


Hurts So Good

by weldersmightyb



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Brain Damage, Brain Surgery, Canon-Typical Violence, Case Fic, Castiel (Supernatural) Loves Disney, Castiel (Supernatural) Whump, Castiel (Supernatural) is So Done, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel and Dean Winchester Use Their Words, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Charlie Bradbury Lives, Dead Mary Winchester, Dead People Cameos, Dean Winchester Likes It, Dean Winchester Whump, Dean Winchester in Denial, Dean/Cas Reverse Bang, Deus Ex Machina, Eileen Leahy Lives, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Loves Castiel (Supernatural), Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Fan Soundtracks, Frottage, Grief/Mourning, Hand Jobs, Hospitalization, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, Inappropriate Erections, Karaoke, M/M, Minor Character Death, POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Pagan Gods, Panicking Dean Winchester, Parental Jody Mills, Rock Star Castiel (Supernatural), Sam Winchester Needs Brain Bleach, Sam Winchester Needs Eye Bleach Too, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Season/Series 09, Seizures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-13 17:00:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 31,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19255393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weldersmightyb/pseuds/weldersmightyb
Summary: Part of Dean/Cas Reverse Bang 2019 - Fic in Response to Anyrei's wonderful art!Cas doesn’t take Theo’s grace, choosing to keep his human body. Sam and Dean are on outs, Cas is still human and not handling it well, Dean Winchester is Dean Winchester. Enough said. What will happen when Dean and Cas are both human and in bad places in their lives? Through the pining, angst, tears, and happiness, Dean tries to heal Cas, but Cas does just as much for Dean when they both give into the desires that have been ignored for far too long. Follow them through their stupid pining, a cute mini-case where Cas becomes a rock god, and so much pain. Trust me, the journey will be worth the tears.***Deeper notes in each chapter for those who may want to be warned about what is to come.***No matter what happens, this fic ends happy. Keep that in mind and enjoy!!





	1. Far From Home (The Raven) - Sam Tinnesz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _This Fic is part of Dean/Cas Reverse Bang 2019 in Response to AnyRei's wonderful art (shown in chapter's 1 & 4). Show them some wonderful love over at their Tumblr! Here --> [Master Post for Art Work](https://anyreiart.tumblr.com/post/185678533081/masterpost-art-for-deancas-reverse-bang) _
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> _Chapter Titles are songs titles that I feel fit each chapter's mood and are my way of giving you a playlist![I'm also including a link here to my playlist for this](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1-pTEeJ5DrZBmLrYyu-K1VWNo3RCSh0y), which includes the chapter songs, as well as any mentioned songs from the fic. Enjoy!_
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>  _Deeper look at timeline and such: The story begins during Ep. 9x9, and it will span past the end of S11 when Chuck and Amara leave (Mom is not brought back and Charlie is not killed off in 10x21). Eileen is introduced earlier than in canon. The timeline is basically fluid, as most of the fic doesn't depend on time. Only big plot points that matter are listed above. Cas doesn’t take Theo’s grace in 9x9, thus leaving him human. Sam expelled Gadreel at the end of 9x8. So Sam and Dean are on outs after all that craziness, Cas is still human and not handling it well, Dean Winchester is just himself and we all know how well that usually plays out._
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> _((Everyone unconcerned with possible triggers or tagging issues, feel free to skip past to the title image now, but don't say I didn't try to warn ya!! Enjoy!!!))_
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> _First and foremost, this story does end happy. There are some tags that may scare you or you may be worried that I didn’t tag something properly, but trust me when I say, it all works out. All of the people who read this had completely different opinions on one specific Tag that I should have or should not have included. I chose to go with my gut. That being said, Chapter 4 is gonna hurt. (Deeper notes about this will be listed at the end of Chapter 4.) Like, it's going to be full on heartbreak and heavy tears and snot kind of hurt. At least that's what happened to me when I wrote it. But it gets better. Trust me, I know things._   
>  **Choices I also made that I either tagged above or didn't for various reasons:**
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>   * _Chapter 1 (and somewhat Chapter 3) includes some explicit sex that, while I disagree, some have found to be somewhat jarring. I want to respect these opinions by mentioning it here, to let those know ahead of time what is coming up. I have been given feedback that the scene seems either unrealistic or that the act itself is possibly harmful to the characters involved. There will be an end-note in Chapters 1and 3 for those who wish to read it beforehand._
>   * _When it came to keeping Mary dead or keeping Charlie and Eileen alive (and moving Gadreel's expulsion from Sammy's cranium to an earlier episode), I really was just deciding to be selfish because I enjoy those characters and wanted them alive or used in the way I wished to use them. Not really any deeper meaning or planning. I even love Mary, her resurrection was just a can of worms that I didn't have the mental capacity to open up for this fic._
>   * _As for the onslaught of pain to come: Chapter 4 will also include an end-note that is available for those who need to check for content. This is the main tagging issue I came across, but I believe I chose to tag appropriately. However, I want my story to be enjoyed and it is the furthest thing from my intentions to squick anyone or not represent this properly. So, please, if you're worried, either check the notes or even hit me up on here with a comment before you continue. I'll keep an eye out and do my best to answer anything that comes up._
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> _No matter what happens, this fic ends happy. Keep that in mind and enjoy!!_
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> _Chapter 1 notes at the bottom of the chapter for those who want warnings beforehand. Enjoy!_

 

Cas’s fingers shook as he fumbled with the keypad of the phone. Luck had been on his side when he had found it in Theo’s pocket after he had killed the angel. Blood stung his left eye as he tried to dial, the pain in his chest making it hard to think. But he somehow found the clarity of mind to remember the digits he needed, maybe through habit or just plain strength of will, and he pressed the phone to his ear as he leaned his back against the wall behind him. He slid to the ground as another wave of pain made his legs unsteady. It had surprised him that his legs had held out as far as the gas station before collapsing. But he had needed to know that he had made it away from Malachi’s men. Despite making it here however, he wasn’t sure how much farther he could make it on his own.

After several rings, Cas sighed as Dean’s voice came across the earpiece. There was something about the man that always consoled his mind, even when his body was screaming in pain. “Who is this?” He sounded gruff as ever, which made Cas chuckle until the pain shot through his ribs.

“Dean...” Cas tried to say more but the pain overtook him then, and he dropped the phone on the ground next to him as he lost consciousness.

~~~

Dean was sitting in a bar when his phone had rung. He looked at it in a bit of shock, as it was one of the cells that only Sam and Cas kept track of, but it didn’t register as one of theirs. The sound almost went unanswered, as Dean remembered where he sat with Sam currently. There wasn’t enough alcohol in his system for the type of talk they had in their future. But something made him answer; gut reaction, instinct, intuition, he wasn’t sure.

“Who is this?” He spat into the phone. They had better have a good reason for interrupting his ‘whiskey and flirting’ session with Candy. The waitress had been giving him the sexiest smile for the last hour, laughing even when he knew that he wasn’t on his game tonight. She was making it too easy for him to see where their night was going to end up.  
  
“Dean…” His stomach dropped, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. The voice was so weak on the other end that Dean nearly didn’t catch it. But he would know that gravelly resonance anywhere.

“Cas? What is it?” Dean paused to wait for a response, but it never came. He only heard the noises coming from the background, the sound of a car passing by, the sound of wind hitting the mouthpiece. Seconds seemed to fly by as he waited, repeating Cas’s name just once more, before hanging up. There wasn’t even a second glance back in his mind as he threw down a few bills, the disappointed look on Candy’s face following him out the door. He headed straight toward Baby as he dialed Sam’s number, his heart pounding loudly in his ears.

“Yeah?” A sigh left his lips when Sam picked up on the second ring. Even with the tension between them, he had to respect his brother’s ability to pick up when needed. The man was dependable to a fault.

“I need you to run a phone number for me and send me the location.” Dean could almost hear the bitchface he was probably receiving from his brother at that moment, but he didn’t have time to make amends. The sinking feeling in his gut told him that he didn’t have a ton of time to find Cas before things would go south. The pounding started again in his ears and he shook his head to chase away the fear he felt.

Bitchface status was confirmed when Sam spoke next. “Why don’t you do it?” Sam’s tone was clipped and sharp, causing Dean’s heart to ache. He knew he was the cause of it, but he couldn’t bring himself to head home to the bunker just yet. Not after everything he had done recently to those he cared about. Sure, Kevin’s death hadn’t been by his own hand, but it was his actions that had gotten them there and no one else’s. There wasn’t any blame left for Sam either, since he was the one who tricked Sam into allowing an angel to wear him as a meat suit. All those unaddressed issues had to be placed on the backburner right now, though.

“Cuz you’re the nerd.” Dean couldn’t help the jab in his anxiety, but thought better of it after it left his lips. “You’re faster and I need it fast.” He almost told Sam that it had been Cas on the other end of the call just minutes before, but he selfishly decided not to. As much as he knew his brother cared for the once-angel, he also knew Sam would want come help find Cas with him, and he just couldn’t see Sam yet. He still had too many regrets that he couldn’t face while trying to stay calm for Cas. “A hunter I ran across during a hunt went missing and that’s his number. Text me the coordinates. Thanks.” He was already in Baby’s driver seat as he ended the call, giving Sam no further chance to refuse.

It felt like an eternity, and Dean almost wondered whether Sam wasn’t going to respond just out of spite, but finally the text flashed across his screen. He threw it into his GPS app, sighing in a mixture of relief and frustration that Cas was just under an hour away. He just hoped Cas would be able to hold on for that long.

~~~

Dean pulled into the parking lot of Luke’s Gas-N-Sip, looking anxiously around for any sign of Cas. The station only held one car in the parking lot, presumably belonging to a worker and not his friend, as it wasn’t Cas’s “pimp mobile”. He cursed out loud, wondering where Cas could have gotten off to; he hadn’t sounded like he was in any condition to just take off. It wasn’t until Dean rounded the back side of the building that he slammed on Baby’s brakes a little harder than he usually liked to. 

Against the back wall of the building lay a body, though the lack of lighting made Dean unsure of whether it was Cas or not. What he wouldn’t give to have Cas back in his trenchcoat again; that thing stuck out like a sore thumb. He put Baby in park, threw the door open and cautiously approached the body, his gun finding its way into his hands just in case this was some trap. But as he grew closer, he saw that the body was indeed Cas, and he was covered in blood, the discarded phone lying near his hand. Dean holstered the handgun and dropped into a crouch next to Cas’s unmoving form. He reached to check for a pulse, but as his fingers touched Cas’s neck, Cas’s eyes flew wide with fear. It passed and was quickly replaced with a mixture of pain and relief.

“Dean. How did you..” Cas broke off as pain assaulted his features and he gripped his side.   

“Tracked your phone. Dude,” Dean surveyed Cas quickly, and while he was definitely worse for wear than the last time Dean had seen him, Dean was relieved to see that nothing looked life-threatening. “What happened to you?” His arms reached out of their own accord as Cas tried to move into a more seated position. He steadied him as Cas tried to steady his breathing. 

“Malachi’s faction. They wanted information on Metatron’s spell. They didn’t seem to care that I had nothing to give.” His words were clipped as he spoke and Dean guessed there may be a rib or two bruised or broken from what he assumed was a pretty thorough torture session Cas had escaped from.

“Can you stand, Cas? We need to get you to someplace where I can patch you up.” Dean stood, but his focus stayed on Cas, wondering how he had even gotten as far as he had in his condition. Cas nodded and pushed himself up and away from the building. Dean had to move quickly to catch him as he stumbled and lost consciousness again in his arms. Dean groaned under the weight of the other man, carrying his body at an odd angle until he was able to slide him into Baby’s back seat. He stood still for just a moment, watching as fresh blood slowly painted itself into Baby’s interior. “Son of a bitch.”

~~~

Cas slowly began to take in his surroundings as consciousness began to seep itself into him. Below his body was a somewhat plush surface, though not quite as soft as the beds in the bunker. His eyes opened to find Dean nowhere to be seen, but he did recognize the tacky fashion stylings of a budget hotel. The damage on his body immediately scolded him by both spinning the room around him and wracking him with an assault of various pains. Dean’s voice in the distance repeated the sentiment. He looked toward the sound and found Dean returning from the bathroom, holding towels and a bowl of water.

“Stay still, dammit.” Adjusting slightly to lay back against the wall, Cas watched as Dean set the items down on the side table next to a bottle of alcohol and a bowl of an amber liquid Cas couldn’t immediately identify. Dean grabbed a rickety looking chair from next to the table and sat in it next to the bed. Dipping the first towel into the water bowl, Dean brought it to Cas’s temple and began to wipe away the blood that had long since dried there. Neither of them said anything for more than a minute, but Cas couldn’t stand the silence while he hurt this bad.

“Thank you for coming to find me, Dean.” He winced as Dean wiped, and he tried to stay as still as he could. A sharp pain radiated throughout his lower chest when he moved too much or breathed too deeply. He had never felt pain like this in his existence; it made it hard to focus on any one thing at a time.

Dean scoffed at the gratitude. “What else was I supposed to do? Leave you to be mugged or bleed out?” The hunter continued to wipe at the blood, his gentle motions telling Cas that he was trying to keep from opening the wounds again. Cas felt tears behind his eyes, both from the pain and Dean’s kindness. “Jesus, Cas,” he gently turned Cas’s head by his chin, starting his work around Cas’s other eye, “they did a number on you, didn’t they?” He seemed to almost be talking to himself, but Cas responded to keep from flinching.

“Yes. They were very adamant that I had information,” he chuckled darkly at the thought, then regretted it as his chest pain flared. The light sounds of the cloth wiping at Cas’s battered face lulled them back into silence for a few more minutes. Cas looked to Dean’s face, trying to keep distracted as Dean worked. He was constantly surprised by the hunter’s ability to be gentle when needed. Having lived such a hard life, he didn’t know where Dean had learned the ability, but he was immensely grateful for it now. Dean made a final pass over Cas’s face before throwing the towel away, grabbing a new one to begin his work on Cas’s chest.

It was then that Cas first realized Dean he stripped his soiled suit jacket and dress shirt away at some point while he had still been unconscious. He was grateful for that as well, not wanting to know the pain it would cause him to move his shoulders right now. Dean set the towel down for a moment, prodding his fingers into Cas’s ribs, firm but gentle, causing Cas to flinch and suck in a quick breath. Dean chuckled, though Cas knew that it was reflex born more out of sympathy than malice.

“That’s definitely a bruised rib, bud.” Dean sat back and stretched his neck, readjusting his shoulders and picking up the towel to get back to work. “I’ve had my fair share. At least, it doesn’t look broken. They still suck, but you’ll live.” His attention focused in on a nasty looking cut across Cas’s collar bone.

“How do you do it, Dean?”  Cas hissed his words, feeling his skin split under even the gentle pressure of Dean’s treatment. The green-eyed hunter immediately dropped the towel from his hand.

“Damn!” Dean exclaimed, bending down to grab something from the floor next to the bed. Cas saw a needle in his hand when his face came back level with his own. “That’s gonna need stitches. And it won’t be pleasant, Cas.” Dean set the needle down on top of the stack of clean towels before looking frustratedly toward Cas’s offending collarbone. Realizing the position they were both in didn’t leave much room for Dean to work, he quickly sat up further and turned toward Dean, swinging his feet over the edge of the bed, his knees knocking into Dean’s. The man looked as if he were about to stop him but Cas shot him a look that he hoped told him he could manage and not one that said he might just throw up from the pain of it.  
  
“I’m fine, Dean.” He was sure his labored breath told Dean that he was lying, but he at least had the grace to not call him on it out loud. “You needed a better angle to work. I am able to sit if it helps you.” Dean’s eyes softened just a bit at Cas’s words. He gently readjusted Cas’s legs so that they sat in between his own, sliding his muscled frame forward on his chair, leaning himself toward Cas’s collarbone.

“Like I said, this is gonna suck. Sorry.” Dean grabbed another clean towel and dipped it into the amber liquid that Cas now realized was the same shade as the liquid in the bottle. He braced himself at just the last second before Dean pressed the cloth to his wound. Air hissed in a sharp breath between his teeth as he tried not to cry out from the stinging pain that shot through his shoulder. He saw Dean grimace but he didn’t stop his ministrations, wiping at the fresh blood that was oozing from Cas’s shoulder. He set the towel down and picked up the needle. He glanced at Cas with a look of pity before began sewing the skin beneath his fingers back together.

Cas’s head swam from the new pain. “How do you do it, Dean?” He spat the words between his clenched teeth. A tear leaked past the corner of his eye and down his left cheek, stinging another cut on his jawbone.

Dean kept his eyes down on the wound. “You shouldn’t talk, Cas.” He chided in the way a parent might a child who didn’t know that what they were doing was going to hurt themselves.

Cas ignored his warning, “Talking helps to distract me from what you’re-” Cas hissed again as Dean pulled the fishing line through, “doing. How, Dean?” He pressed, hoping Dean would talk to him, helping him to ignore all the different aches he felt.

Dean gave the slightest of shrugs as he pushed the needle back in again. “I’ve been doing this my whole life. Stitches are easy.” Cas scoffed around the lump in his throat, causing Dean’s hand to freeze for a second as he looked to Cas’s face. He went back to work as he continued to speak. “You mean pain? Life?” He flicked his eyes to Cas’s face, looking for confirmation. Cas nodded tensely. Dean cut the line after tying a secure knot. He leaned back, stretching his neck again. “Honestly? It sucks.” His eyes swept over Cas’s torso, seemingly deciding that nothing else was severe enough to need the needle, for which Cas was grateful. He set it down on the table and picked up another fresh towel to wipe down the blood that still remained. When he spoke again a few moments later, Cas had to listen hard to hear him.  
  
“Life is hard, and it hurts a lot of the time. But,” Dean paused as he folded the towel and wet a new corner to work with, “sometimes the people in it make it better. Family and friends. They’re usually worth it in the end.” He sighed and continued wiping at Cas, falling silent as his mind seems to wander, though Cas didn’t need telepathy to know that Dean now thought of his brother. The pain was evident on his features, emotional and as raw as the wounds on Cas’s body.  
  
Cas tilted his head a bit to look at Dean’s face as the hunter seemed to lose himself in his thoughts. “Dean, why are you here with me?” He surprised himself with the brazenness of his words. Of course, Dean had come when he had called; Dean always came, no matter their situation. But he could have just taken him to Sam to be patched up. Or a hospital for that matter. Before he realized what he was doing, his hand moved to catch Dean’s wrist and the hunter looked up at him with a sadness in his eyes.  
  
“You asked me, Cas. Everyone needs help sometimes.” Dean tried to pull gently to release himself from Cas’s grip, but the former angel was feeling much more steady with every passing minute. Cas kept his fingers wrapped firmly around Dean’s wrist, pressing the man for a deeper answer. A little voice in Cas’s head pushed him toward the acknowledgment of why he even cared that Dean had stayed with him, but he brushed it away.

“You had the option of taking me to Sam.” He saw an emotion flash through Dean’s eyes, though he wasn’t sure what it was as he tried to understand the hunter’s motives. He continued, lowering their arms but not letting go. “But you are here, washing blood from my skin, after leaving Sam and me there in the street. Why?” Cas felt his heart beating rapidly in his chest, not from pain, but some unrecognizable emotion, feeling suddenly very aware of how close he sat to the hunter, his legs cradled between Dean’s, his hand on his wrist. Dean would usually have chided him about personal space by now if the situation were any different.

Dean sighed again, “I thought…” He paused, seemingly to try and find the correct words. He looked away for a moment, causing Cas to worry that he was beginning to shut down as he did with everyone else in his life. “I meant it when I said I was poison. Maybe helping you like this was my way of feeling better about what I’ve done.” He shook his head, looking as if he were trying to chase away something unpleasant in his mind.

Dean seemed surprised when Cas let his wrist go in favor of placing his fingers under his chin, turning his head in a move reminiscent of how Dean had done just a bit earlier. “You still don’t see yourself, do you?” Cas’s eyes were soft as he met the gaze of the hunter, and Dean looked as though he were a frightened animal, too scared to look away from the oncoming headlights. “Why do you think I chose to call you, Dean?” Cas’s lips turned up slightly at the corner as he continued, “Whenever I am hurting or lost, I find myself looking for the comfort of your presence. You are far from poison, Dean Winchester.” Dean opened his lips to protest Cas’s claims, but the hand at his chin slid slightly to Dean’s cheek and it silenced any protests he had. Cas realized in that moment that his heart was no longer just fluttering, but pounding in his chest, his torso leaning forward towards Dean, who seemed to have slid even closer as they talked.  
  
“You are the drug that diffuses my loneliness and pain.” Cas shifted his hand again, down to Dean’s neck, and in a moment of pure abandon, he pulled Dean forward into a kiss, hot and rough in his need. Whether caused by the edge of pain that still existed throughout his body, or perhaps a product of his newfound humanity, he didn’t care to question his actions. Especially when he felt Dean begin to kiss him back.

Cas removed his hand from Dean’s neck, running his fingers down and across Dean’s chest. He snaked the fingers of both his hands under the hem, pushing it up to reveal the soft skin underneath. Dean broke from him at that moment, and fear surged through Cas, thinking Dean had chosen to reject him in his time of need. The hunter stood however, pulling his shirt over his head in a rush. He pushed the chair back away from the bed, causing it to topple loudly onto the carpet. Cas watched as Dean kicked off his shoes and unzipped his jeans, though he didn’t remove them quite yet.

Cas refused to remove his eyes from Dean as the hunter came back to the bed, walking around to the opposite side from Cas, fearing that he would disappear if he even blinked for a moment. Dean lay down on top of the comforter, laying his head back against the pillows. Cas let instinct move him toward Dean. He stretched out next to Dean, close enough that he could lean in and kiss Dean’s shoulder if he chose. Dean pulled Cas by the shoulders, bringing him across to press their chests against each other. Their lips met again, bringing small smiles to both their lips.  
  
Any momentum that had been lost when Dean broke contact now rushed back through Cas, making him cling to Dean for dear life. The feeling of Dean against his skin mixed with the pain that still pulsed through his body was a heady combination. He had himself propped up on his right arm, his left hand gripping Dean’s shoulder hard enough that he wondered absently if he was causing Dean pain. But even if he was, Dean didn’t stop him; instead, his hands shifted quickly up to the base of Cas’s neck, pulling him in closer and deeper into their kiss. The taste of Dean, a mixture of whiskey and something sweet like candy, sent a jolt through Cas’s entire being, but most importantly, straight to his cock. Cas felt a groan build in his throat as the throb in his groin silenced all other pains in his body for just a moment. As they broke for breath, Dean snaked his arm around the small of Cas’s back and rolled them.

Even with the lasting aches Cas felt throughout his body, he reveled in the weight of Dean pressed on top of him as Dean leaned back in to recapture his lips. And when Dean rocked his hips into Cas’s, grinding their cocks together in sweet friction, Cas couldn’t contain his moan. Dean felt rock hard against him, spurring his own lust forward. Cas snaked his hand between their hips, pushing his fingers below the waist of Dean’s jeans, palming Dean’s cock through the fabric of his briefs. A small smile crossed Cas’s lips when Dean’s head snapped back, a deep-throated groan pushing itself out of Dean’s chest. The sound made Cas feel powerful in that moment, chasing away the helplessness he felt almost constantly in his humanity.  
  
Cas watched as Dean took that moment to break their contact and slide his jeans and briefs down his hips in an action that was much quicker and more graceful than Cas imagined was possible. As he tossed the garments aside, Cas took the hint and copied Dean’s actions, hoping he looked half as good to Dean as Dean looked to him.

He could hardly breathe as they paused, just for a beat of their hearts to survey one another. Dean looked unhinged before Cas, a wild and desperate look in his bright green eyes. His chest was damp from sweat, and his hair was the most out of place that Cas had ever seen it. Cas felt his cock twitch as he realized that Dean was just as affected by their actions as he was. He couldn’t process the sexiness of the hunter before him in the midst of it all, he could only feel how much he needed his hands back on Dean’s skin.

The lapse in touch didn’t last however, and Dean came back down, capturing Cas’s lips once again. Their hips sat a bit off-center from one another now, allowing Cas to reach back down, this time wrapping his fingers around Dean, sliding his digits down along Dean’s shaft to the hilt. He had to assume that Dean enjoyed the sensation, feeling a growl emit from Dean’s mouth against his teeth. Dean gripped Cas’s hair tight in his fingers, returning the pleasure to Cas by mimicking his actions, gripping Cas’s cock in his hand.  
  
Cas’s head swam from their actions, and he realized he was just acting on his gut instincts now. A passing thought wondered if he should be ashamed of how lost he was in Dean, but it flew away as quickly as it had come. Cas had long passed the point of going back, about the time he had stopped processing each movement individually, now just registering how quickly they were both breathing, hands fly over each other’s skin, the taste and feel of the thin layer of sweat that covered them both. Cas found a moment of clarity and realized that, while he had never felt pleasure like this, he needed more. Dean was stroking feverishly over Cas’s cock, while Cas’s hands now clawed Dean’s back as his hips thrust into Dean’s hand.

His mouth was dry as he tried to remember how to speak. “D-Dean.” He gasped and sputtered as he attempted to speak, the cause being that Dean had chosen that exact moment to nip him at the base of his neck. He cleared his throat and said the hunter’s name once more, trying to catch his attention. Cas knew he hadn’t accomplished any more force in his tone, but luckily Dean paused to look up at him anyway. Dean’s brow was furrowed as they both tried to catch their breath. Cas tried to get a handle on what he needed to say, but his tongue felt stuck inside his mouth, unable to form the proper syllables.

“Dean, I need…” Cas groaned as Dean’s hand continued to stroke him, making it even harder to think. Dean smirked in acknowledgment of Cas’s frustration, but he leaned back just a bit to give the man some room to think.  
  
“Yes, Cas?” Dean’s hand had slowed, but of course he hadn’t stopped. That would have been too easy on his brain. Cas struggled to think around the sensations coursing through him. Never had he wanted more for a sensation to both continue and stop at the same time.

“I need... “ The words escaped him, his brain felt like it was stuck struggling through mud. Any other time, he would be able to explicitly describe any sexual technique. He may not have performed them himself, but he had been an angel, after all. Centuries of watching humanity meant he really had seen nearly everything that the humans had come up with. But with the weight of Dean between his thighs, Dean’s calloused hand lightly teasing, all that knowledge was suddenly gone from him. “I need… more.” He fumbled over the words, knowing they were completely unable to articulate his intent. But he stared into Dean’s eyes, trying to will him to understand.

Cas felt Dean’s teasing pause completely and watched as understanding flashed into Dean’s eyes. Just a half second of indecision flashed across Dean’s features before the heat returned. Dean released Cas, chuckling when the lack of contact caused Cas to whimper. The hunter leaned over the side of the bed, leaving Cas with nothing but Dean’s ass to stare at, which wasn’t exactly a bad thing. He heard the ruffling of a bag before Dean sat back up with a small bottle in his hand.

Cas watched as Dean poured a liberal amount of clear liquid from the bottle into palm. He sighed in pleasure as Dean slid his palm against his cock, adding a much-needed slickness to the movement that the ex-angel had not realized he needed. He watched as Dean repeated the process on his own member, and Cas lifted his hips toward Dean, hoping Dean had understood. Dean spread Cas’s knees wider and positioned himself between them, his cock resting against Cas’s ass, hard and demanding.

Cas ran his hands down Dean’s arms, gripping the muscles he felt there. He had always appreciated the beauty of Dean Winchester, but had never realized what he felt for the man. He felt as if he had found the missing piece and now he wanted nothing more than to never let go. But he knew this would end eventually, so he resolved the make the most of what time he had here in the rundown hotel they were in. When Dean flashed a questioning look into his eyes, Cas nodded desperately, whispering just the quietest whimper of “Please.”

Cas leaned into Dean as the hunter wrapped his hand around the base of Cas’s skull capturing him in a kiss. Cas moaned into Dean’s mouth, until that changed to a gasp of pain as Dean drove himself into Cas’s ass. Cas broke the kiss to bury his face in the crook of Dean’s neck as a new, strange pain assaulted him and stole his breath. There was a pause then, as Dean froze and gently whispered Cas’s name in a sort of worried cry. Cas just nodded into Dean’s shoulder, not looking up from where his face was buried, his arm wrapped tightly around Dean’s neck.

Cas felt Dean lay them back down against the mattress, his hips not moving as he began stroking Cas again, distracting him from the new pain. The sudden tension began to leak from Cas’s muscles as pleasure began to build again. Dean began slowly rocking his hips into Cas, and while the pain didn’t completely subside, Cas realized there were now moans of pleasure rising from his chest. He leaned his head back, loosening his hold on Dean, reeling at each wave of intense pleasure Dean’s cock brought to his body. Dean kept massaging Cas’s cock, all the pleasure building and melting into one agonizingly blissful high. Dean picked up speed again when Cas’s hips began to take on a mind of their own and rise from the mattress to meet Dean.

Cas felt his orgasm building, it was seconds away, just out of his grasp. He wanted so badly to feel it, but it seemed to elude him like the lyrics of a long forgotten song. That was, until Dean’s thrusts suddenly become uneven and the hunter cried out, a single word upon his lips, ”Castiel!” His name on Dean’s lips, his _full name_ , was his undoing, and he tumbled over the edge, his own release shooting across both their bellies. Hot and sated and aching, Cas tried to look up to Dean’s face, he wanted to remember the look of Dean’s orgasm on his face, but the bliss stole the remaining energy left in Cas and he was asleep even before he felt Dean leave his body.  
~~~  
Dean didn’t know what had overcome Cas, but as he lay listening to him breathe, he was glad hadn’t fought it. He had needed this more than he could have realized. Needed to feel someone’s hands on his skin, lips pressed to his. Someone who cared about him in the morning, and not just in a polite ‘this was fun’ sort of way. Maybe it was his falling out with Sam, Kevin’s death, god, even just the entirety of the last year that had caused him to give in. Knowing that he was hurting much more than he had admitted to himself, and the only person in his life that could possibly understand was asleep by his side. The last year had been no easier on Cas, that was for sure.

He looked over, watching the slow rise and fall of Cas’s chest, a light snore leaking from his parted lips. Dean tried to readjust as slowly as possible, so as not to wake Cas. Blue eyes stayed closed, breathing still even and soft, but he did roll over and surprise Dean by laying his arm across Dean’s chest, snuggling deeper into Dean’s shoulder. The action caused Dean to feel a smile slowly creep across his lips, and he let Cas sleep.

Dean ignored the anxiety that was slowly building in his chest. There he was, lying beside his best friend, having thoroughly fucked him into the sheets. Dean couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so sated, so at peace in someone’s arms. Even Lisa hadn’t felt like this. Dean thought it was due to being completely free to be himself with Cas. Lisa had always been accepting of him, but Dean had always kept more from her than what he felt comfortable telling her. Cas knew about the dangers of being in his life; hell, Cas might even have it worse during this apocalypse.

But, even though Cas had denied otherwise, Dean still knew he was poison. Everything he touched was ruined beyond repair. Sooner or later, Cas would finally see it too, and he would lose everything that was perfect in his life. He pulled Cas closer into his shoulder, memorizing the way he felt there in his arms, knowing it would all be over in the morning.

~~~

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   _Chapter 1 has explicit depictions of un-prepped anal sex. Some people may find it to be jarring and unrealistic or worry that it may even be potentially harmful to the participants. I have done various research and believe that it is a viable depiction of anal sex that is in no way written in an effort to harm any characters. Please keep this in mind while reading. Thanks!_


	2. Something Tells Me - Bailen

Cas came awake slowly, feeling aches all over his body. He rolled into a sitting position, instantly regretting it as his head swam dangerously close to nausea levels. His arms flew up to grip his head, sending a jolt of pain through his shoulder that made him elicit a hiss as he reached to press his palm against the stitches he had forgotten. He groaned as all of the movement stretched his side, causing his bruised rib to scream out its existence. 

Cas took a moment to breathe and to wallow in his self-pity. This life wasn’t one that he was cut out for. Being human had made him so weak; he would just be a burden to the brothers if he tried to stay around. He sighed, knowing that last night had been a mistake. He had enjoyed it, more than Dean would ever know, but therein was his problem. There was no doubt in his mind that Dean had woken with regret after their actions the night before; the fact that Dean had snuck out before he woke was proof enough on its own.

Cas stood with a rough sigh, the ache in his body mirroring the ache in his heart. He looked at his bloodied and discarded clothes, wondering what he should wear out of the hotel. His eyes traveled to his own skin, noting that the trail of dark hairs on his stomach was dried to his skin, dried cum having been neglected in his need for sleep. The sight of it both warmed him and froze his heart at the same time. He processed that he had small flecks of dried blood across multiple parts of his body, either missed or forgotten as well. Resolutely he headed toward the shower, attempting to tackle at least one problem within his grasp.

Minutes later he stood under the hot spray of the water, feeling a sort of healing from the warmth and pressure it provided. He made slow work of his body, turning every now and again to focus another patch of soreness underneath the stream. Showers had held a sort of therapeutic quality since he had become human, but warm ones with decent water pressure had been few and far between. He forced himself to focus on the water, the heat, the steam, anything other than the nagging voice that wanted him to wallow in his regret.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, basking in the worry-free space before his legs grew weak and he lowered himself ungracefully on the shower floor. He half sat across his legs, his head resting against the wall, back to the water’s healing. The temperature was still hot enough to feel pleasant, so he just relaxed there, eyes closed, and he took a second to give his regret the attention it wanted from him. He regretted his weakness, his inability to keep his control as he had done for so long before. He loved Dean Winchester more than he ever believed an ex-angel could. He didn’t really know when he had realized it, never really gave himself the clearance to process it all in depth. Maybe he had loved him since their escape from hell, and while he had been enraptured by the soul he had seen, he knew meeting Dean on earth had truly driven it all home for him. The way the man smiled in the face of danger, laughing anytime Cas made mistakes, his kindness despite never having grown up with a model of it, all of this had slowly worked its way into Cas’s entire being, like a virus that he couldn’t sweat out. 

But last night he had risked it all in a moment of complete weakness. He was terrified that he now would find Dean closed off to him, that their relationship would now be tainted by the knowledge that Cas wanted what he shouldn’t. He knew Dean was not one to share his feelings, and he had definitely seen Dean’s sexual preferences through the many waitresses and bartenders Dean had taken back to hotel rooms. Cas was everything Dean would want to avoid.

Cas paused in his musings to process that the water had begun to run quite a bit colder. He lifted his head away from the wall, but he was unsure whether he would be able to stand on his own. Crawling himself out of the shower was one option he didn’t really look forward to, so he was both relieved and embarrassed when he heard the bathroom door open roughly.  
  
“Cas?” Dean's voice bounced off the walls of the small room just a second before his face peered around the show curtain. Cas regretted his current position instantly, the look of worry on Dean’s face driving home how weak and helpless Cas felt these days. “What are you-- Are you ok?” Dean’s features held an ounce of confusion as well as he pulled the curtain further back and crouched closer to Cas’s level.  
  
“I was attempting to wash away any remaining blood and..” Cas paused for only a breath, choosing to not mention the remnants of their time together that had been left on his skin, deciding then that he would pretend that the night had been like any other. He would take his cue from Dean and avoid any discussions that they would both rather not have. “And my legs felt weak. The water felt quite soothing, so I decided to sit here until my strength returned. Unfortunately, it hasn’t quite managed to do so, and the water has grown significantly colder.”

Cas caught a flash of humor that lit Dean’s eyes. He was unsure why the hunter found him amusing at that moment, but he didn’t press him. “Come on, buddy. Let’s get you out of here before you go all pruny.” Dean offered both his hands, which Cas took greedily, blaming it on his unsteady legs and not on his need to touch Dean.

“I do not believe I would become a fruit if I stayed under the water, Dean.” Cas felt a confused scowl settle itself across his features, especially when Dean laughed out loud with a smile that lifted Cas’s spirit for a moment.  
  
Dean helped him step over the shower’s edge, before releasing Cas’s hands. Cas stood awkwardly while Dean turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around Cas’s shoulders. He led them back into the main room, helping steady Cas along the way. He was torn between wanting Dean to let him be self-sufficient, and his need to feel connected to the hunter. He sat down on the edge of the bed, letting the towel fall to around his hips, feeling suddenly very conscious of how naked he was in Dean’s presence.

The hunter seemed just as uncomfortable as he walked away to the table under the window, which only confirmed for Cas that he had ruined what they had before. Keeping one arm down to conceal his groin under the towel, Cas began rubbing at his hair, attempting to dry it at least a bit. He winced as the action pulled him in a way to remind him of his bruised rib again. A hiss leaked from between his teeth, but he kept trying to dry himself, even if it was a struggle to do so.

Cas froze, towel over his eyes, as he felt Dean’s hand on his wrist. He lowered the towel enough to look into Dean’s eyes, a smile playing across the hunter’s features. In one hand he held another towel, unsoiled and left over from the night before; in the other hand, a mouthwatering burger. He held it out to Cas and whispered, “Eat. I’ll take care of your hair.” Cas took the burger, lowering the damp towel to sit wrapped around his waist, letting him feel the illusion of cover.  He attempted to eat slowly, though the aching in his stomach urged him to shove the entire burger in his mouth all at once.

Cas relaxed as he chewed and Dean massaged the towel through his hair. He lied and told himself that the silence was pleasant, that no unspoken words hung between them. But he knew the truth, and it hurt worse than the bruised rib in his side. So he stayed quiet, chewing his burger, telling himself over and over that their friendship would survive this.

Dean pulled away about the same moment that Cas finished putting the last bite into his mouth. He was instantly stuck again by the need to find a reason to touch Dean, but luck was on his side. He only pulled away for a moment, leaning down to grab something from a bag that Cas did not remember seeing the night before.

“I forgot to grab this when I found you.” Dean held up a roll of flesh colored fabric. Cas didn’t recognize it, but he knew his complete confidence in Dean shown on his face. “Gotta wrap that rib before we hit the road.” Cas wanted to speak, but then Dean looked him the eyes and they both froze for a moment there. Cas tried to speak, figure out the words to say, put everything behind them, but then Dean nudged Cas’s arm, breaking their gaze. “Lift your arm, bud.” Cas did as he was told, wincing as the movement stretched the muscles over his rib. Dean made fast work, wrapping the tan fabric across Cas’s torso.

After securing the end, Dean sat back, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. Cas tested his movement, and while still not pleasant, he felt quite a bit better from this morning. “Thank you, Dean.” He felt like the words weren’t enough, but he saw a slight blush come over Dean’s features at the gratitude.

“No big deal, Cas.” Dean stood, grabbing his duffle from the ground. He sat it down on the table before pulling out a shirt and pair of jeans. “These should do until we get you back to the bunker.” He set them down on the bed, and Cas was sure now that Dean was avoiding his eyes. He was avoiding looking anywhere near Cas if he could help it. It made the ex-angel just want to pull the blankets underneath him over his head and never be seen again. But he kept his head high, not wanting to acknowledge Dean’s embarrassment and regret. It only made things worse when Dean was confronted about his feelings.

So Cas sat there in silence, not looking up, and waited to hear the door close behind Dean. He took a breath, forcing back tears, not exactly understanding the emotion behind them, but nevertheless feeling the pain in his chest grow with each second that passed.

~~~

Dean tapped his fingers along to Zeppelin's “The Rain Song” played through Baby’s speakers. He and Cas had been on the road for about a half an hour, but neither of them had spoken much past small talk. Dean was terrified any second now they would break out in talks of how the weather was right now. He turned the radio down just a bit, before rubbing his hand on the back of his neck.

“So, Cas.” He started, flicking his eyes off the road for a moment to take a look at Cas. The man looked better than the night before, but there was something off about his demeanor. Cas had never been the overly happy, peppy type, but now he seemed even more reserved than normal. Dean silently hated himself for giving in the night before, knowing that as much as it had rocked his world, Cas had been vulnerable. He had taken advantage of him. He felt like a sleazeball. “Anything new since you’ve become human?” Dean kicked himself at how stupid he sounded in that moment, but even if he had to go far down the chick flick rabbit hole, he would do it to make Cas feel better.

“Well, I’ve found that I do not care for pain.” Dean flicked his eyes back over again, catching a bit of a snarky grin flashing across lips.

Dean let himself laugh lightly before responding. “While that’s important information,” he tried to force away any thoughts that passed through his mind about Cas enjoying pain, “I sorta meant to ask whether you’ve been doing ok? Anything you actually enjoy?” Dean pressed his lips shut before he felt himself keep rambling. Because he just might mention what he enjoyed most recently, and that wouldn’t end well.

Cas conveniently ignored the first question, Dean noticed, but he did offer up something in response to the second. “I have found that I quite enjoy music.” Dean’s head snapped to look at Cas, who held a comically pensive look.

“‘ _Found’_? Like you didn’t before?” Dean tried to calm the near hysterical shock he heard in his voice. He couldn’t imagine someone, especially someone who was important in his life, not liking music. His life was one moment away from having a constant soundtrack playing in the background. 

Cas scoffed and rolled his eyes, which Dean appreciated highly, feeling a little closer to the Cas he knew. “I understood music before I fell, Dean. As a celestial being, I was unable to process the whole of a musical piece. I heard the beats per minute, the individual notes, the key changes. But the enjoyment of a piece, the emotions felt by it, has been an entirely human experience.” Cas paused, looking like he was getting lost in his own thoughts.

Dean wanted to weep for the lost time. He wished he could take Cas back to the beginning and start a proper musical education the day they had met. At least there would be one thing he couldn’t mess up. “Well, no time like the present, bud.” Dean fumbled through his tapes while trying to keep his eyes on the road. He pushed his favorite Zeppelin tape into the deck. “It’s about time I educate you.”

~~~

Cas’s cheeks ached from the smile that had been plastered on his face for the last three hours. Dean was still chattering on and on about his favorite songs, all the members of the bands, the meaning behind every lyric. Cas couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Dean this animated and happy. He kept breaking off mid-sentence to tap along to the beat or sing loud and off-key to a specific line in the song.

They continued right up until they pulled into the bunker’s garage. They were laughing about a lyric Cas had misheard, when they both seemed to come back down to reality in the same breath. Cas lowered his gaze to his hands, wishing that the inevitable would just pass them by if he kept quiet. But that would be too easy, and he knew his life was never that.

“Well, I texted Sammy, so he should be ready to help ya set up a room.” Dean’s light laughter was now gone from Cas’s ears, replaced by the awkwardness from earlier in the day. He fought against the urge to yell obscenities at Dean in that moment, wishing he could just take it back.  
  
“You could help instead, Dean.” Cas felt himself slipping, and he nearly prayed for Dean to just agree and pretend they were the same as they had always been.  
  
“Cas, you know I can’t. I can’t-”

Whatever excuse was just beyond Dean’s lips, Cas couldn’t bear to listen to it. “No, Dean. Please,” he lowered the volume of his voice, shocked by the fact that he was nearly yelling. “Please, stay. I need you here.” Cas paused and rethought his approach. “We need you, Dean.”  
  
Dean scoffed, and Cas flinched lightly at the sound. “No offense, bud, but I know Sammy don’t want me back anytime soon.” The expression on Dean’s face was was enough to break Cas’s heart. Cas wanted to reach across to wipe the frown from Dean’s lips, but he held back.

“I understand that your relationship with your brother is in flux, but he still needs you.” The uncertainty on Dean’s face broke Cas’s hold on his tongue, causing everything he had felt since waking that morning to fly out of his mouth before he could think twice. “I need you here with me, Dean. I understand the regret you harbor from our actions last night, but I know I cannot do this-” he gestured around himself in general, “-being human, without you.” He paused, realizing how out of breath he was, anxiety growing in his chest. Especially when he met Dean’s gaze, who now looked like he thought Cas was crazy or maybe had sprouted a second head.

“Wait. You think I regret it?” Dean’s tone was near shock, which Cas didn’t understand.

“Of course, Dean.” Cas looked out the windshield, not able to look at Dean as his fears became reality. “It has been obvious to me since waking this morning. You were gone before I woke, and when you returned, you did not mention what happened. I-” Cas broke off as he heard Dean laugh from the driver’s seat. He dared to look, which gifted him with the sight of one of the most beautiful smiles he had ever seen on Dean’s face. He was just lost as to what had caused it. “Dean, why are you laughing?”

Dean didn’t answer; instead, he leaned over and pressed his lips to Cas’s, smile still in place. Cas froze, shocked and overwhelmed by everything Dean was doing. When the hunter pulled away, there was a playfulness in his eyes.

“We’re both idjits, you know that?” Cas cocked his head at the words. Dean leaned away back into his seat, but Cas felt him place his hand over his, light and warm. “I thought you regretted it, Cas. I thought I took advantage of you.”

Cas’s head reeled at the admission, internally yelling for his brain to catch up and make sense of it all. “But why would I regret our time together?” The words didn’t seem out of place, but they caused Dean to frown just slightly. Cas caught the look and understood. “You still hold onto your low self-worth. Dean-”

“I know, Cas.” Dean nodded, looking out into the garage. “I know you mean it. You’re just fighting against a lifetime of doubt.” Cas watched for a moment, content for that brief second to sit in silence. Dean turned back, the smile back in place. “Why would _I_ regret it?”

“You proclivity for women has never been a secret.” Cas thought it was an obvious statement, but Dean just laughed again. Cas shook his head, feeling a smile creep onto his lips as well. “What is funny about this, Dean?” Cas leaned in as Dean pulled him into another kiss. It was unlike the night before, less frantic and more along the lines of sweet, but left Cas just as breathless.

“Everything.”

~~~

Dean came awake with a lazy smile, rolling onto his side, taking in the dull ache he felt in his thighs. He couldn’t believe, even after nearly three months of living it, that he and Cas had finally gotten their heads out of their asses. He never expected for it all to come so easily; he was still waiting to feel panicked or embarrassed about being with another man, but the feeling never came. Finally making good on all the tension from the last few years felt amazing, if he were to be completely honest with himself.

Nothing had really changed between them, exactly. Cas was still the ever-too-literal man he had fallen for; Dean still drank too much and flirted way too often. But he was happier now than he had ever been. He smiled more, slept easier. He had never understood romcoms and the way they described love. Until he finally gave in and let himself feel it for Cas.

Who, much to Dean’s disapproval, was not still naked and in the bed with him. Which was odd, given that Cas seemed to like taking advantage of morning wood almost as much as Dean did. He sat up, again finding subtle aches all over his body that he hadn’t even known could hurt just the right way until recently. One ache, in particular, put a stupid grin on his face that just wouldn’t quit. Last night had been the first time he and Cas had swapped who was on top, and boy - he had almost thought Cas had just been being kind. Dean was pretty sure there were sounds he made last night that had never left his mouth before and he was pretty sure he blacked out for a solid minute when he came.

It had been glorious, which was why he definitely wanted to know where Cas was and why he wasn’t repeating the acts all over again.

Dean stood, grabbing his pajama pants off the floor. He winced as he slid them on, making note that he might have to be careful about walking around Sammy anytime in the next few hours. He looked over to the end table, noting that both Cas’s and his phones were still plugged in, so his ex-angel couldn’t have gone too far.

Crossing the room and out into the hall, Dean stopped by the bathroom, hearing the water running. Sam’s shower was down the hall, so unless he randomly chose to steal one in Dean’s, it had to be where Cas had run off to. Not entirely weird by any means, but Cas had definitely shown his appreciation for “water conservation”, as he liked to call it, so Dean felt a bit miffed. He nearly went in to interrogate the man but paused just before turning the handle. He had been trying to shake his insecurities over the past months and part of those included giving Cas his own space to be his own person. He told himself that Cas probably just needed a morning to himself as he headed to the kitchen, nothing was wrong with that.

Sammy was already at the table when Dean walked in, heading straight for the coffee maker. The younger Winchester looked up with annoyance before pointing his gaze back down at the paper in his hands. Dean thought they had gotten past the whole Gadreel thing, so he felt a bit thrown.

“Morning Sammy, what’s happenin’?” Dean threw on a false bravado of nonchalance, hoping that his brother was just suffering from his Resting Bitch Face syndrome, but the grunt he sent Dean’s way suggested he was actually peeved at the elder Winchester. The only problem was Dean couldn’t think of a single reason why. Grabbing his fresh cup of coffee, he sat down across from Sam at the table and decided to just barrel on through it. “What’s up?” His tone definitely left no room for Dean to wonder if he had caught the ire in Sam’s features.

“Really, Dean?” Sam couldn’t have put more sarcasm into those two words if he had tried. “Don’t act like you don’t know. It’s one thing when we’re on the road and you bring a waitress, bartender, or whatever back to the hotel; we share a room and all, so I deal with it. But come on!” Sam rolled his eyes so hard Dean seriously wondered if they would pop right out of his skull. “We don’t even share a wall and I was stuck up all night listening to you moan. Dude, it’s not right.” Sam glared before looking back down at his paper, luckily giving Dean time to try to come up with some way to hide the blush that had spread so quickly that Dean swore his ears were on fire.

He stood, taking his still-full cup back to the coffee pot, miming pouring himself another cup. He had a serious problem and he had no clue how to handle it: he hadn’t told Sam yet. He kept trying to over last three months, promising Cas “Today I’ll tell him”, but it wasn’t that easy. How was he supposed to tell his little brother that he was in love with their best friend? He didn’t have a problem with what they were doing, it was the whole chick-flick feel of telling Sammy that gave him the cold sweats.

He was still internally debating, ignoring what was sure to be a heavy bitch glare from Sam, when Cas walked into the kitchen. Dean’s heart leapt with the sudden opportunity to change the topic to something much safer. He extended his cooling cup of coffee to Cas, who took it in stride to sit next to Sam, and began pouring himself another. He had just opened his mouth, not sure what he’d say, when horror struck.

Sam had abandoned his paper and was looking to Cas. “Tell Dean I’m right.” There was a snark in Sam’s voice that was saved only for when he thought he had one over on Dean. If he only knew. Cas tilted his headed and his blue eyes flicked between Dean and his brother.

“I feel I’ve missed something. What exactly do I agree with, Sam?”

Sam smirked, “Dean needs to cut it out with the porn star sex noises. They’re disgusting.” Dean knew Sam was just laying it on extra thick, thinking he could make Dean uncomfortable by roping Cas into it. Oh boy, was he right, but for all the wrong reasons. He wanted to kill his brother right now, but Cas’s response froze anything Dean would have said or done.

“I don’t know, I quite like the sounds Dean makes.” Dean nearly dropped his cup, and Sam coughed as he seemingly choked on air. Cas looked to Dean, who definitely caught the sassy look he was sending Dean’s way. Cas was done waiting for Dean to man up. “I assume they generally mean that you enjoy what we’ve been doing. For example, I like the noises in particular that you make when I use my-”

“CAS!” Dean found his voice suddenly, and not a moment too soon. “Didn’t you forget something in my room?” He stared Cas down for a moment before the man sighed and headed out of the kitchen towards the bedrooms.

Dean looked over to Sam, terrified of what he would see. He almost laughed at the comically shocked look that seemed to be stuck on Sam’s features. But the would have required Dean to find the situation amusing and not embarrassing. He went back to the table, keeping his hands wrapped around his mug to keep from hiding his face behind them.  
  
“Three minutes.” 

Sam seemed to pop back to reality then, looking confused by what Dean had said. “What?”

“You got three minutes of chick flick before I call it quits. Go on.” Dean steadied himself, expecting the worst, realizing then just how terrified he was that Sam wouldn’t be supportive of their choices. But he knew somewhere in the back of his mind that it was just his lack of self-esteem talking, so he tried to brush it away.

Sam looked lost for words for a few seconds, but when he recovered, there was an earnestness in his eyes that Dean hadn’t expected. “Is it just sex, or do you guys love each other?” Dean had to give it to him, Sam was always pretty to the point. He thought for a moment, not sure how to say it exactly, since he and Cas hadn’t really put it all into words.

“I love him.” It was simple and to the point, and yet Dean wondered if it was enough. He realized he hadn’t even said it to Cas yet, and here he was professing it to his brother. The smile that grew on Sam’s face told him that his brother was happy for him, which helped immensely.  
  
“I love you too, Dean.” Cas had returned, making no noise like always. His blue eyes glistened and Dean knew they would have to talk after they were done with the most awkward cup of coffee he would ever drink. “I didn’t actually leave anything in _our_ room, so three minutes was a bit of an overestimation.” Dean had to laugh that the absurdity of Cas’s literalness, but he wouldn’t have him any other way.

Sam stood loudly, bringing attention to the fact that Dean was grinning like an idiot, the weight of their secret having been finally lifted. “I’m happy for you guys, really.” Sam grabbed his paper, heading back out of the kitchen to give them some privacy. “I swear though, soundproof your room. I have guns, I will use them.” Dean stood, his brother already forgotten, heading toward Cas to plant the deepest kiss he possibly could in his new freedom.

Too bad for Sammy, with the things Dean had planned for Cas, even soundproofing wasn’t going to help.

~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real notes for this chapter - Enjoy!


	3. Move Your Body - My Darkest Days

**_Three and a half years later_ **

 

“So, get this.” Sam stood in Dean’s (and by extension for the last three and a half years, Cas’s) doorway, waiting for him to pause what they had playing on his tv. Dean hit a button on the remote, earning a glare from Cas, who had been completely enthralled in the screen. Sam smiled at the sight of them tangled in the bed, pizza box half empty, completely relaxed for once.

The last three years hadn’t been easy, but they had all come through it basically unscathed. They had just a few weeks ago set the world back to order, helping Chuck and Amara rekindle their lost relationship. When the two had left them, their little world had grown relatively quiet. Sam had kept in touch with other hunters since, but they had all decided they needed a vacation for just a little while.

But a call had just come in that they needed to look into. “You remember Nick Bryers?”

Sam started, waiting for Dean to respond, sighing when the man just shot him a blank look. “Dad took care of a poltergeist for him when we were kids.”

Dean nodded as recognition flashed in his eyes. “He wanted to start a bar after Dad took care of it. What about him, is it back?” Sam caught Dean running his hand through Cas’s hair as he talked; he was pretty sure it was an unconscious movement.

“No, his house is fine. He ended up getting that bar a while back, and now people are turning up dead.” Sam felt a grim look pass over his features, feeling sorry for both Nick and them. He wished they could just leave the life, but he knew none of them would ever be able to live normally knowing what was out there. “Basic story goes, every Wednesday he holds karaoke night at the bar, and for the last three weeks, whoever was crowned ‘Karaoke King’ has turned up dead.” 

Cas tilted his head in a way reminiscent of his old angel days, which brought a loving stare into Dean’s eyes that spread to light a smile across Sam’s face. He was still eternally amazed and grateful that the two had finally gotten their heads out of their asses. He swore that they had been the only two left to not see how hopelessly in love they had been.

“Did he give any details about how the victims were killed?” He always had to give it to Cas; straight to the point and no frivolous banter. Unless thy name be Dean Winchester - then Cas had sass for days. It was one of Sam’s favorite changes that had occurred since Cas had become human. He was still the same old Cas as he ever was, but he understood more of their references. And he had definitely been refining his quick wit. Dean always tried to seem irritated, but Sam knew it was a secret game the two lovebirds played.

“Not much, except that this flower was found at the bar afterwards, each time someone went missing.” Sam flipped his phone around to show a picture that Nick had sent him. The flower was simple and light green in color. “I’ve already looked through databases and have come up with nothing.” Sam handed his phone to Dean when his brother reached to take it, hoping the elder Winchester would see something he was missing.

“I feel like I’ve seen this before, but I can’t place it.” Dean stared at the picture with an almost comical intensity, as if just focusing harder would make the picture suddenly divulge its secrets.

“I know.” Sam agreed, nodding as he took the phone back. “I can’t place it either, but I swear we’ve seen this before. Either way, I think he’s right and this is our kind of thing. So we need to saddle up and get out there before karaoke starts tonight.”

Dean suddenly sent a horribly skeptical look at Sam, which just fueled the humor Sam felt at their upcoming situation. “And let me guess:  in order for us to gank whatever is doing this, I’m guessing one of us is gonna have to be crowned ‘Karaoke King’, right, Sammy?” Dean looked downright unamused, which of course Sam had to take advantage of. It was his Chuck-given right as the younger brother.

“Was thinking you might show off your Zeppelin impression. Laughing that hard might actually be worth messing up the case.” Sam grinned when Dean flipped him off, but he was shocked when Cas spoke up next.

“If you two are done bickering, I’d like to say that we have a perfectly viable option for bait.” Sam cocked an eyebrow at the deadpan look on Cas’s face. The ex-angel-turned-hunter used air quotes as he spoke, “I ‘volunteer as sacrifice’.” Sam smirked at the incorrect pop culture reference.

Dean, however, rolled his eyes. “It’s ‘tribute’, Angel.” Sam wasn’t sure when Dean had begun using the pet name for Cas. He thought it was sort of on the nose, and he occasionally made that known through retching noises, but Cas seemed to love it. He always looked a little happier, even when times were dire, when Dean called him by it. “The line is ‘I volunteer as-’” Dean’s eyes flashed as he realized what Cas meant. “No! You are not using yourself as bait!” The glare he shot Cas was fierce and unwavering.

Cas looked just as determined as he shot back, “I am just as capable a hunter as either of you.” Sam tried to keep a composed face, knowing he needed to stay out of this one completely. “And neither of you two can sing worth a damn.” Sam didn’t even try to argue; he had the vocal range of, well, a moose. Dean, on the other hand, looked completely appalled by the assertion.

“Well, it’s not like you’re exactly a rockstar, either, Cas.” Dean’s tone was biting, and Sam saw Cas flinch. The man stood and left the room without a word. He pushed past Sam, who still stood in the doorway, and was watching as Dean’s irritation instantly seemed to vanish.

“Dude,” Sam tried to not chastise his brother too severely, knowing Dean was already kicking himself, “that was harsh. I think you really hurt his feelings this time.” Sam shook his head, wondering how Cas sometimes put up with the surly hunter.

Dean sighed. “I didn’t mean... Yeah, you’re right. But come on,” Dean shot a look to Sam that begged him to agree, “he knows how I feel about using him as bait.”  
  
Sam nodded, but he decided to stop enabling his brother’s controlling nature. He sat down in Dean’s desk chair, turning it backward to lean against the back as he met his brother’s gaze. “You have to let that go.” Dean’s eyes shot to focus on Sam, his mouth opening to shoot a retort, but Sam pressed on. “It’s been three years. You can’t just keep coddling him.”

“You know why I do it.” Dean almost looked as if he was a second from pouting, but Sam knew he had to keep it serious for Cas’s sake.  
  
“I know you love the guy. But he’s right. He _is_ a capable hunter.” Sam tried to make Dean see reason. He didn’t want to watch Dean mess up a good thing. People with lives like theirs didn’t get second chances. “He led an entire garrison before all this.”

Dean tried to rebut with, “Sammy, he’s human _now_ .” But the argument didn’t feel as strong and Sam knew Dean was giving in. And he finally understood why Dean hated putting Cas in the line of fire. Sure, the brothers were both human (right now, anyway), but they always had been (mostly). Dean, even after the years that had passed, seemed to be having a hard time adjusting to Cas’s mortality.  
  
“You can’t shelter him forever.” Sam felt his tone and expression soften as he came to understand his brother’s motives. “We all die someday, Dean. We know that better than anyone.”

Dean nodded lightly, and they passed into a moment of silence before a thought struck Sam. “Can Cas even sing?” Dean looked up with a puzzled look.

“How should I know?”  
  
Sam laughed out loud at the absurdity. “Dean! You’d think you’d at least know if he’s any good. You’re the one _dating_ him!” Dean chuckled in acknowledgment, a look of realization flashing across his face. Dean stood, stretching his back. Sam took the cue and stood as well.

“I should probably find Cas and apologize.” Sam nodded, heading out of the room to grab his duffle. His head shook as he went, laughing to himself at just how ridiculous his brother’s relationship was at times. But he knew Dean wouldn’t change anything about it for the world.

~~~

Hours later, Dean sat behind the wheel of his Baby, headed down the last road to the bar. He pulled into the back parking lot, which was tucked away, hidden from the main road. They had arrived with not too much time to spare, having spent precious time gathering their bags before hitting the road. Cas had needed a bit of persuasion as well, which Dean was more than willing to provide, leaving their little spat long forgotten. Cas had his headphones in, listening to something Dean couldn’t hear, tapping along to the beat as he flipped through another lore book.

Dean felt his brow crease with a flash of worry as he caught Cas grimace. The man rubbed his temple, trying to rid himself of the headache he had been complaining about for most of the ride. Dean had offered to stop off for some Tylenol, but Cas had insisted that the case was more important. Luckily Sam had found something for him in his duffle, but it seemed to have not completely done the trick. Dean had to remind himself that Cas was not a child and would warn him if there was anything to worry about, but he still couldn’t help being concerned.

Dean gently ran his fingers across the back of Cas’s hand as he parked Baby, pulling him out of his reverie. Dean’s heart fluttered as Cas responded to their silent code, closing the book and pulling out his earbuds. Their eyes met, but they didn’t say a word. He sometimes found it hard to breathe when he thought about how much he loved the man in the passenger seat. He couldn’t imagine his life without him now, especially since they had accepted their mutual pining had been the dumbest shit either of them had ever done.

The sound of Sam clearing his throat from the backseat jolted Dean out of his mild chick flick feelings, reminding him that the world still existed around them. A blush flashed through his cheeks as Sam goaded them, “Case?” Sam wore a smirk that Dean wanted to slap right off his Moosey face, but he somehow controlled himself. Probably due to the light grip Cas held on his hand still, rubbing soothing circles on his palm.  
  
“Right.” Dean stepped out, stretching his sore muscles, waiting for the other two men to meet him in front of Baby before turning to head into the bar. What surprised him, however, was the sight of another hunter headed their way as they rounded the front of the building. A full-on cheesy grin found its way onto his lips, his inner flirt rearing its head.  
  
“Eileen! How’s it been?” Dean pulled the female hunter into a quick hug, before holding her out at arms’ length in jest. “Sammy tells me nothing; still got all the important parts?” He put on a look of mock concern, seconds away from playfully patting her down for bullet wounds.

Eileen smiled and shot a glance toward the taller brother. “I’m good, Dean. Sam said you guys had a weird one and thought you guys might need backup until you figure out what it is.” Eileen signed as she spoke, and Dean caught the heat that flashed between the two hunters, and he felt a wave of happiness shoot through him. Flirting nature aside, he truly hoped what they had survived this life. Sammy deserved to find someone just like he had.

As they all turned to head into the bar, Dean’s arm wrapped itself around Cas’s shoulder and Sammy’s across Eileen’s waist, Dean couldn’t help smack his brother’s shoulder with his free hand. “You brought your deaf girlfriend to karaoke. Good job, bitch.” Sam looked like he might retort, but Eileen’s questioning shrug under Sam kept him from doing so immediately.  
  
Sam rolled his eyes, signing to Eileen a translation when he caught that she hadn’t seen what Dean had said. Her face lit up with humor and snark, “Dean Winchester, I’ll have you know, I _love_ karaoke.” Dean was surprised by the statement, but he let it go, knowing he was sometimes more ignorant of Deaf culture than he led himself to believe.  

The hodgepodge group of hunters made their way through the door, and Dean found himself falling into his element. The bar was quite a bit nicer than the seedy dives they usually ended up in. Even so, it still had all the same elements, only without the unwanted side effect of leaving Dean desperate for a shower. A quick glance towards the bar assured Dean that the selection would be just a bit above average, which was never a bad thing. The decor was standard for a middle America bar, nothing really sticking out.

Except for the large man who was headed straight toward them with a big grin on his lips. Nick was about the age their dad would have been if he were still alive, but he looked like the years hadn’t been too rough on him. He wore his hair longer than Dean remembered, and while it had greyed with the years, it looked like most of it had stayed around to see this decade. The man was the basic image of a rugged old biker type: too many tattoos and an overly hard exterior, but definitely a softy when given the chance, the exact picture of what you would expect when you asked for the owner of a bar.  
  
“The Winchesters! It’s been so long.” Nick stuck his hand out to shake their hands, Sam and Dean both taking a turn. “I was sorry to hear about your dad. He was a good man.” Dean felt the same old pain he always did when his dad was mentioned by someone who they had helped over the years, but he pushed it away, focusing on the case ahead of them.

“Yeah, he was.” Dean looked around, his hunter instincts starting to kick in with the need to check for the usual signs.  No one was setting off his alarms so far, but that didn’t mean he could let his guard down. “So, ‘Karaoke Killer’, huh?”

Nick nodded and led them off to the side, away from nosy ears and eyes. “So, basically, the last three weeks, all the winners ended up dead. The police are stumped. Nothing else connects them. I figure it’s probably something here. Maybe it’s your type of thing.”  
  
Dean felt Cas shift under his arm. “We believe so. We still are unsure of what it is, but we’ll do everything within our ability to stop it.” Dean still felt impressed when Cas interacted on their cases, the hunter had come such a long way since his angel days.

Nick nodded, a puzzled look taking over his face. “Sorry, but I don’t remember you.” Nick offered his hand to Cas, who took it. “In the rush, forgot about proper introductions. Name’s Nick.”  
  
Dean pulled away to let Cas free to interact. He was feeling the urge to get down to business but understood the need for introductions. “I’m Castiel. Former angel of the lord, now lover of the Dean.” Cas chuckled, which Dean knew meant that Cas knew just how red Dean’s face was, even without looking at him. Nick’s face lit up in subtle shock, but the man didn’t look hostile from the news, for which Dean was grateful. Even after three years, Dean still felt wary when faced with the possibility of homophobic reactions. He really didn’t know how he might react, having been lucky so far in avoiding the situation.  
  
Eileen held her hand out next, a polite smile on her lips. “I’m Eileen. Hunter and girlfriend of Sam.” She kept it straight to the point, which Dean definitely appreciated.  
  
They didn’t really have any other details to gain from Nick, nor to give him, so they let him know their plans to enter the karaoke competition to act as bait. Nick laughed, letting them know that “even if y’all are even an ounce good, you’ll earn the crown”, which left Dean with little hope that the night would be filled with any sort of decent music. They took a seat in the middle of the area in front of the karaoke stage, leaving each of them to watch in a different direction for anything that seemed out of the ordinary, while Nick promised to let them know if anyone looked unfamiliar or out of place. Cas headed to the bar, both to test that side of the room for E.M.F. and to retrieve them a few bottles of beer.

But, even though he wasn’t going to admit it anytime soon, Dean was starting to get worried that this was just something human. None of their usual tests, at least the ones they could do with other bar-goers around, came up with any results. The bar itself seemed pretty normal too, the only real plus being that Nick ran a decent live band setup for his karaoke nights, rather than the crap machines most places used. The only thing that kept him from throwing in his chips completely was the stupid flower that he still couldn’t place.

Eileen leaned across the table, and Dean gave her his attention. “So, Cas is gonna sing?” Sam must have told her about their fight earlier, which made Dean want to hit him, but he held off for now. Eileen flicked her eyes between the two brothers. “What does he even listen to?”  
  
Dean shrugged, “Zeppelin in Baby, too much Disney, and whatever crappy music Sam put on that iPod he got for him last Christmas.” Cas returned just then, setting a beer in front of each of the hunters. Dean took a sip as Sam scoffed and Cas took his seat with his back to the stage.  
  
“Just because it was written after 1979 doesn’t make it crappy.” Sam shot a bitch face at Dean, who of course completely ignored his little brother’s opinion.  
  
Cas sat, looking confused, and asked Eileen, signing as he spoke, “What did I miss?” Dean really needed to learn to sign if Eileen was going to be a common occurrence. He couldn’t look like the only uneducated idiot amongst the three of them. Cas’s ability didn’t shock him, as he had retained his knowledge of languages when he had become human, but now that Sam was becoming somewhat fluent, Dean felt the pressure to step up to the plate.

Eileen laughed. “They were arguing, like always, over music.” Dean caught the look that Eileen and Cas shared, which definitely said they felt like kindred spirits for having to deal with their own Winchesters. “I wanted to know if you were going to sing?” She inflected her eyebrows, signaling that she meant it as a question.

Dean looked to Cas then, wanting to know his angel’s answer as well. “Yes.” Dean waited for Cas to elaborate, but when he just lifted his beer to his lips, he realized Cas thought that was a sufficient answer. _Of course, he did,_ Dean scoffed internally. The man could be downright infuriating in the shortness of his responses at times.

“Well? What are you gonna sing?’ Not that Dean was worried, he knew Cas could handle himself, even if he still hated using him as bait, but he had to admit that he was insanely curious about what kind of song Cas would sing. He tried to not imagine Cas singing something from Frozen or the like. He didn’t want to find out if he could still find Cas attractive after something like that. Singing while the movie played in their room was one thing. He might have to pull Cas’s man card if he pulled it here.

Cas shot Dean a sickly sweet smile that instantly had Dean worried. “You will find out in due time.” He couldn’t imagine what could make Cas give him that look. It wasn’t like Dean had some secret fetish for country music or something that he was going to out him for. But he let it go, letting them all just relax into a groove of keeping an eye out and catching up with Eileen and the hunts she had been on recently. They also gave Cas tips for his song, whatever it would be, encouraging him to let out his inner rockstar.

It was about six horrible renditions later that Nick announced that the band was ready for their last singer, a new arrival, Castiel. Dean felt a smile creep across his face as Cas left the table, but again that nervousness returned as Cas shot a sassy look over his shoulder. Dean saw that Cas had left his flannel on the chair, leaving just a tight black tee to cover his muscled torso. Not that Cas had even been overly slim, since becoming human, he had definitely gained quite an amount of muscle due to their lifestyle. Muscle that Dean definitely appreciated and showed his affection for on a frequent basis. Dean had to push his mind back to the case to keep from losing himself in his thoughts of what he wanted to do to Cas when they got back home.  
  
Cas had grown in the time since he had become human in more than just body, Dean couldn’t deny that. But he almost didn’t recognize the man on stage when Cas walked up to the mic. His angel wasn’t a mousy man by any means, but there was a definite sex appeal that Cas was harnessing from somewhere. He almost seemed to move with more certainty than Dean had ever seen.

And when the band started playing, Dean thought he might die right then and there.

~~~

Sam watched as his friend and surrogate brother took the stage, catching a flirtatious look that he shot Dean. Sam couldn’t help chuckle when he recognized the opening chords and lyrics of “Move Your Body” by My Darkest Days.

_You, you're hotter than a cherry on a cigarette_

_Bet every dollar mom's a model but you're better yet_

_Just twenty one out on the run and turning every head_

_Your body's built just like a weapon and you're using it_  

It was one of the ‘trash’ songs Dean despised, something from the aforementioned iPod. Sam tried to shake the shock he felt at Cas picking something so sexual, but he guessed it shouldn’t surprise him too much. Cas had blossomed since joining them permanently in the bunker, that much had been shown to Sam through several examples that were still burned into his retinas.

Doubt filled Sam’s mind when he wondered if Dean had ever even heard the song before now. His suspicions were confirmed when he glanced over to where his brother sat. Dean looked like he was stuck between awe and the urge to jump the stage and carry Cas away to do things that Sam would need brain bleach for. He looked like he was on the verge of bouncing in his seat, palm against his groin, which Sam definitely tried his best to ignore. He must have laughed, because Dean threw a “Shut it, Sammy” his way. Dean shot the words across the table without taking his eyes off the stage, but there was no threat there. Dean was too wrapped up in Cas.

Sam sat back and took in Cas on the stage, staying quiet by signing with Eileen. He couldn’t ruin this moment for Dean. Cas was literally letting his rock god out, swaying in time to the music, and Sam had to confirm with Eileen when she said, “He’s really good, isn’t he?” Sam had to admit, not only was Cas landing the notes, he was just letting it all go and singing his heart out. He was throwing saucy looks at Dean anytime the lyrics deemed it necessary.

_The two of us are gonna fuel this fire_

_No way in hell we're slowing down tonight_

Cas rocked it out with abandon, and Sam was honestly wishing this was just a normal double date out at a bar. He redoubled his efforts on scanning the crowd, trying to keep focused on the case at hand. Dean was going to be of no use for as long as Cas was on that stage. And as much as he wanted to, Sam couldn’t blame his older brother for losing himself in the moment. The man deserved to bask in this. He deserved happiness.

~~~

As the music ended, Dean stood, getting ready to grab Cas the minute his feet hit the ground. But he paused as he saw Nick take the stage, slapping Cas on the shoulder before speaking into the microphone in an effort to silence the clapping bar rats. Dean settled back into the chair, trying to ignore the itch in his skin that demanded he have his hands all over Cas.

“I don’t think we need time. You definitely take the crown!” Nick laughed as Cas instantly turned a bit shy, a total transformation from the rock god Dean had just witnessed seconds before. He mirrored his love’s smile as Nick looked expectantly at Cas, which just seemed to just confuse him further. “Did I forget to mention the winner always sings an encore?” Cas looked shocked, which Dean understood since Nick had definitely forgotten that little detail. Dean was just worried he wouldn’t be able to withstand another song without jumping his angel.

Cas stepped away from the mic for a moment, walking over to talk to the band. Dean couldn’t hear anything they said, just seeing them nod as Cas talked. Nick had taken that as a sign that Cas was going to go through with it, and had headed off the stage, coming over to them.  
  
“Your boy has some pipes.” He smiled as he patted Dean on the shoulder, which Dean was starting to pick up as the man’s general sign of affection. “I think you found a good one, Dean.” Dean nodded, still keeping his attention on the stage. He vaguely registered Nick walking away back to the bar. He couldn’t imagine what Cas might sing next. He almost, _almost,_ hoped it was going to be Disney. Dean thought he might be able to handle that.

But then Cas did the unexpected. The guitarist handed off his guitar to Cas, who slipped the strap around his shoulders naturally, like he had done it a thousand times before. Dean heard Sam try to ask Dean if he knew what Cas was doing, but the elder Winchester just waved him away. There was nothing in this world that could make Dean take his attention off Cas in that moment. The sassy smile was back on his lips as he approached the mic a second time, but Dean could sense a small bit of nervousness that hadn’t been there with the first performance. What _exactly_ was his angel about to do?

“I hope no one opposes the idea, but I would like to play guitar as I sing this next one.” Cas’s voice was steady as he spoke, though Dean noticed he was avoiding making eye contact with him. “Someone very important to me recently said,” Cas held up his fingers to give quick air-quotes, “that I wasn’t ‘exactly a rockstar’.” Dean found Cas’s eyes finally, and the look of defiantly sassy love in them stole his breath. “I believe the phrase is ‘Eat your heart out,’ Dean.” And with that Cas began to play, the band staying silent for the entirety of the performance.

That was when Dean’s heart stopped for a full three seconds. He couldn’t think. He almost couldn’t breathe. Owed all to the fact that Cas was standing there on stage, not only singing Led _fucking_ Zeppelin; he was actually singing one of Dean’s two favorite Zeppelin songs, “Ramble On.” _While playing the fucking guitar_. Dean couldn’t even process how the entire effect of Cas, sound, image, and all, hadn’t made Dean lose control and cum right then and there in his jeans. It was the single most sexy thing he had ever laid his eyes on. He later blamed it on shock and not his iron will.

Because Dean Winchester, in that moment in the bar, was complete putty under his lover’s gaze.

Cas’s song choice made Dean wonder for just a moment, not only about when Cas had found the time to learn to play the guitar, but how he had hidden it from him all this time. It had obviously been something Cas had practiced extensively, and he knew that the act was done for him alone. That was the weirdest moment of the night; he felt a sudden clarity in the middle of his sex-addled brain. The thought was out of his mouth before he could even think about what it really meant.

“I’m going to marry him.” He felt it hit him all at once. He had thought about what their future might be in this life, hunting and live beside one another, but he hadn’t even considered making an honest man out of his angel. He didn’t know what it would mean to marry Cas logistically, having never attended a wedding in his life, but he knew he wanted to spend his future with the man, and that was enough.

Sam just barely caught Dean’s attention seconds later when the younger Winchester let out a soft chuckle. He still didn’t look away from Cas, trying to memorize everything about this moment, but he had to ask, “What’s funny this time?” He heard the smile in Sam’s voice as he responded.

“Eileen and I are just debating how serious you are about that.” Dean didn’t even feel embarrassed by the fact that his admission had been said out loud. He couldn’t even try to force it. Everything he needed was in the man on the stage, and for the rest of his life, that would always be enough.

So, he allowed himself to be honest in his reply: “Completely.”

~~~

Cas found his hands were shaking slightly from the adrenaline as he stepped off the stage. He grinned as Dean pulled him immediately into a deep kiss, which didn’t surprise Cas in the least. He hadn’t expected Dean to be open about their relationship on cases and in bars, but since day one Dean hadn’t held back. It was like the hunter was finally living in the moment with him, trying to take it all in as often as he could. Which, if Cas was honest, he didn’t really mind. He would take Dean’s affections anywhere. He just hoped Dean could someday stop feeling like the end of the world was always around the corner.

He tried to hide how nervous he had been up on the stage. The first song had flown by easily, not as much of a challenge as he had expected. But when approached for a second tune, inspiration had struck him and he now couldn’t believe what he had done.

Cas had been secretly practicing Dean’s song for a little over the last two years, knowing how much it would mean to his hunter.  While Dean had seen him tinkering with an old acoustic they had found while on a hunt, Cas had been very careful to keep his intentions a closely guarded secret. He had intended to play the song privately for him on his next birthday, but when the opportunity had arisen, Cas couldn’t pass up the chance to break out his full rockstar. From the look on Dean’s face, Cas knew he had made the right call.

Cas pulled away finally and smiled up into Dean’s green eyes. “Do you believe me now, Honeybee?” Dean always tried to pretend he hated the pet name, but Cas knew he secretly wouldn’t change it for the world. The light in Dean’s eyes was always a dead giveaway.

Dean didn’t respond, instead he grabbed Cas’s wrist in a lustful stare, pulling him away from the table. The intent was obvious enough that even Sam caught where they were going, shouting a vague chastisement about their case being able to wait, but Cas didn’t care. The raw need in Dean’s eyes had been enough to make his cock twitch in his jeans.

Whatever Dean had in mind, Cas was more than happy to oblige.

~~~

Heart pounding as he swerved through the semi-crowded bar, still gripping Cas’s wrist, Dean could only concentrate on one thing: how quickly he could get them into the back seat of Baby.

Little blessings came in the form of a dark night and a lucky choice to park out back. Dean grabbed the front of Cas’s t-shirt, pulling him hard into a feverish kiss. The things Cas did to him, it was a high unlike any other. His hands found their way up to the nape of Cas’s neck, pulling him in even closer. Their tongues danced against one another, making Dean wonder if they would even make it as far as Baby. He pulled away, seeing the same heat in Cas’s eyes that he felt in his groin.

Cas jogged enticingly away from him, throwing a lustful glance over his shoulder. Dean tried to steady himself by walking slower, but of course, that gave him a nice view of Cas’s ass, both a blessing and a curse. Especially given that Cas was now bent over in the backseat, searching for their special ‘go bag’ that they kept stowed under the seat for occasions when desperate need hit them while away from the bunker.

Cas straightened back up just as Dean caught up with him. Confusion crinkled his face as he watched Cas close the door, bag in hand. Dean caught the bag when Cas threw it over his shoulder, heading toward the front of Baby. Dean was hit with a wave of lust as he watched Cas place his hands firmly on Baby’s hood, planting his feet shoulder-width apart. Dean instantly understood what Cas was offering, and while it made him hard and aching for Cas, Dean was struck by an opportunity he couldn’t pass up.

This was a new experience for the two of them. As much as Sam implied that they couldn’t keep their hands off one another, Dean had managed to stay focused for the last few years when they went on cases together. They might sneak kisses and affectionate caresses when hunting, but they had always been able to last through until they made it back to the sanctity of a hotel or the bunker. He still heard his father’s voice when he was tempted to break concentration, reminding him that lives were on the line and that Dean could wait to care for his personal needs until the case was solved.

Usually, it was easy to focus, Cas being just as determined to save people and hunt things. He took their family business seriously, for which Dean was grateful. They worked incredibly well as a pair, their ability to read each other silently having saved their asses in cases too many times to count. Dean sometimes even thought Cas had become a better partner than what he had in Sammy, though he reasoned that might be pushing it.

But tonight he couldn’t keep his hands to himself, maybe it was the sight of Cas rocking his favorite tune or maybe the idea of marrying him, he didn’t really care to figure it out. Instead, he wanted to let his inhibitions go and try something completely out of the ordinary for them.

Tossing the bag onto the hood, a saunter worked itself through his hips as Dean approached Cas’s backside, watching as a shiver ran down Cas’s spine when he slid both his hands down Cas’s back. As his fingers traced Cas’s hips, he gripped and spun Cas around to face him. A playful yet shocked expression lit up the other man’s eyes.

Pressing his hips into Cas, he ground his erection into Cas’s groin, delighted to find an equal hardness there. He took in the sight of Cas’s parted lips, the sound of a groan in his chest before he spoke. “So, you’re a rockstar now, Castiel?” Dean used his full name, knowing how much it turned the man on. He slid his fingers into Cas’s waistband, popping his button open with his thumbs. “That must make me your groupie.” Gripping the zipper of Cas’s jeans between his fingertips, he slid himself slowly to his knees, his other hand trailing a path down Cas’s inner thigh.

Hands braced behind him, Cas’s jaw hung lax and his head tilted back as Dean pressed his palm over the bulge in Cas’s boxers. Dean only teased for a moment, just a tiny part of his mind staying aware of their position, a whisper in his brain reminding him that they could be discovered at any time. He snaked his fingers back under the fabric, pulling both layers down to Cas’s mid-thigh. A wicked grin spread across Dean’s lips as he released Cas’s cock from his underwear. There was no doubt in his mind that he would never tire of the man before him.

“Dean?” Curiosity mixed with confusion filled Cas’s voice, causing Dean to look up through his lashes at him. He wasn’t surprised; this was so unlike them that he almost didn’t believe it himself. But he found his voice, not at all shocked by the sultry tone it held.

“Don’t you know? Groupies give the best blowjobs.” Dean took Cas in his hand then, leaning in slightly to run his flattened tongue along the underside of Cas’s cock. The sound that escaped his love’s throat was downright immoral and it only spurred Dean on. He swirled the tip of his tongue around the head of Cas’s cock before taking him into his mouth.

Fingers wrapped around Cas’s hips, Dean dipped his head deeper into Cas’s groin until he felt the head pressed into the back of his throat. Swallowing slowly once, Dean smirked at the moan that Cas tried and failed to stifle. He allowed himself to gag just once before he pulled his head back, knowing Cas loved that sound.

Ignoring the growing ache in his knees, Dean bobbed his head slowly in time with the distant sounds of the bar’s music. One hand stayed occupied on Cas’s cock, the other came down to palm himself through his jeans. A groan in both pleasure and frustration caught in his mouth, the vibration causing Cas to echo the sound. Dean tried to stay focused and ignore the building ache in his groin. As hard as he was, he wanted to give this to Cas. There would time after the case for more, he would make sure of that.

Dean felt his lips turn up at the corners as Cas’s hips began to unevenly thrust, alerting him that his angel was growing closer to the edge. If he changed tempo or rhythm now, he might be able to tease Cas along for a bit longer, knowing exactly how and where to touch him to keep Cas riding the edge for hours. Years of practice had made him an expert on how Cas liked to be touched, something that Dean very much prided himself on. 

But the look of Cas in the dim light of the parking lot, his bare ass pressed against Baby’s cold metal, his eyes slightly closed, kept Dean from dragging it out further. He dipped his head back down to take Cas in deep, relaxing his throat to keep the gagging from coming again. A gasp ripped itself from Cas’s lips, his head flung back as he hit his release, and Dean swallowed around his cock. He kept his head still, gently stroking out the remnants of orgasm from Cas as the ex-angel shook from the power of it. When he finally pulled away, Dean stood with a wicked smirk, relishing the red tint that now covered his angel’s cheeks. Cas’s breaths were still coming in bursts as he eyed the hunter, though Dean could see that he was slowly coming back down from the delightful high Dean had skillfully induced.

Before either of them could even open their mouths to speak or attempt to button Cas back up, the back door of the bar swung open, assaulting them with blaring music. Dean stepped sideways and faced away from Cas, both in an attempt to block any view someone might have of the man’s naked hips, but also to block him from any potential harm. He watched as a busboy that he had seen earlier tossed a bag of trash into the dumpster before quickly heading back into the bar, paying them no attention.

Dean felt Cas’s head drop to his shoulder as laughter erupted from Cas’s chest, the sound of his lover's zipper registering in Dean's ears. He turned to face Cas, a bit of the giggles working itself through his chest as well. He pulled his angel forward into a soft kiss, feeling arms wrap themselves around his waist. He smiled as he pulled back, the sparkle in Cas's blue eyes mirroring the humor he felt at their near discovery. He slipped out of Cas's arms, catching his hand and pulling him back toward the call of duty. No matter how much he wanted to stay outside and repeat more of what they had just done, he knew they both needed to get their minds back in the game.

~~~

Dean was laughing as he recounted a tale from a few weeks ago to Eileen when he suddenly stopped dead in his story. He looked over to the bar, taking in the slowly dying crowd of drunks around them. Cas was nowhere to be seen, and that realization felt like a buckle of cold water over Dean's skin. They had split when coming back into the bar, Cas having needed a quick stop at the restroom. But that was a good fifteen minutes ago now, and Dean's stomach was beginning to twist. He flagged Nick over to them, ignoring the questioning stare Sam was sending his way. Adrenaline threatened to pump into his veins, but he tried to keep himself calm until he confirmed his fears.

“Yeah?” Nick looked worn out from a long night of bad music and drunks, but he gave it to the man that he still seemed to have his wits about him.  
  
“Did Cas make a stop at the bar?” Dean asked, trying to keep the growing panic he felt under control. Nick immediately caught Dean’s implication and shook his head. The three hunters all stood in unison, realizing as a unit that Cas’s plan had worked and the bait had been taken. But that didn’t have to sit well with Dean. “Do you have cameras in this place?” Nick nodded this time and started to lead them into the back office.

“I’ve got some in the parking lot and a few inside and around the building.” Nick flipped through a few feeds on a small black and white monitor. Dean leaned in close, looking for any sign of what had happened to Cas. Even the smallest thing could make or break their rescue, and he just had to tell himself that they had time.

Dean felt his hunter training kick in, calming his nerves with the ability to shut off everything nonessential to the hunt. Emotions got people, _his people,_ killed. “Anything on the bathroom?” Nick flipped the signal through a few channels before stopping on a feed of the sinks in the men’s bathroom. He began rewinding the tape quickly, sending them through a high-speed replay of the last ten minutes or so. He stopped and pressed play when Cas walked into the restroom.

Dean watched intently, trying to keep an eye out for anything that might tell them where to look. “Does this thing have audio?” Nick flipped a switch, and while not the most high-definition, the feed now had sound. Cas was washing his hands when Dean saw him freeze and turn towards the door. Whatever Cas had seen was off camera, but it must have been what they had come for because Cas had backed up into a defensive stance. He disappeared off the screen a moment later, seemingly vanishing into thin air altogether. Just before he disappeared however, he had said a word that Dean didn’t understand, but Sam made a noise of understanding before rushing back out of the office.

Eileen had already started following Sam when Dean turned to chase after them. Sam ran out to the backseat of Baby, his long legs making it hard for Dean to keep up. He would normally curse Sam’s speed, but Dean knew his brother was working it out. They all came to a hard stop as Sam pulled out some papers and spread them across the trunk. Nick was outside with them too, and they anxiously waited for Sam to explain what he was looking for.

“I knew we had seen that damn flower before. Or something similar.” He pulled to picture out of the stack before trying to locate another page. Dean’s need to find Cas outweighed his need to be gentle with his brother in that moment.  
  
“Wanna let us in on it, Sammy?” Sam paused as if he were just realizing the whole group had followed him outside. Dean could both smack him and kiss him for all his obliviousness. Of course, he held both back, needing the giant to just get to the point as quickly as possible.

“The word he said. ‘Euterpe’. It’s a name.” He handed Dean a sheet that depicted a Grecian statue, a woman in flowing robes. Too bad the writing was in Greek, too. Dean handed it back without a word. Sam continued, for which Dean was grateful. “She’s the muse of music. Sister to Calliope.”

Dean cursed as he realized what they were dealing with, why they had seen the flower before. It was the same one that had been left at Calliope’s abductions, only a different color. “So basically, we’re after a demigod? That’s just awesome.” He looked back over to Nick, who understandably looked completely lost. “Are there any abandoned buildings or factories nearby?” Nick immediately pulled out his phone and fired up the map app to send them on their way. They picked the most likely candidate, telling Eileen to stay behind in case they didn’t come back or needed her to head to another location when they came up empty-handed.

Dean just prayed that Cas was as competent as he claimed.

~~~

Guns already in their hands, Dean pushed through the door to the room where Euterpe held Cas, Sam hot on his heels. They didn’t waste any time, firing off shots as they caught sight of her. She dodged their attempts, but the look of shock mixed with fear that passed across her face did Dean’s heart a bit of good. He was dying to check on Cas, who appeared to be unconscious on the floor, but he knew he needed to take out the threat first.  
  
Euterpe flung her hand towards them, sending them flying like ragdolls. Dean gasped as he hit the ground, the air in his lungs rushing out upon impact. He looked over to see Sam on his side, not moving from where he landed. He must have seemed the most dangerous of the three, because Euterpe rushed him then, pulling him from the ground by his neck.  
  
“Why is it that every time one of us wants to dine, you Winchesters think it’s your job to stick your noses where they don’t belong?” The words sounded like a melody and if Dean hadn’t been currently struggling to breathe, he might have thought she sounded like a storybook angel. But Dean had known for a long time that angels were dicks, and gods were even worse.

“Maybe you should try going vegan,” Dean hissed with what little breath he still had to speak, “I hear it’s all the rage with kids these days.” Black spots were starting to cloud his vision, but he could see his nonchalance was exactly the thing to piss her off.

“Humans used to worship us! Now you don’t even fear me while I choke the life out of you.” Her tone was still melodious, but there was definite venom and hatred in her words. “Why is that?” She seemed to be waiting for Dean to actually answer, a choice Dean wished he could shake his head at. Why did the monsters always demand conversations while they beat the crap out of him?

He tried to speak but just gasped, which caused her to loosen her grip for a moment. Thank Chuck for small miracles in the disguise of vain demigods. “Because my brother is behind you.”  
  
Before she could process his words past her confusion, Sam shoved the stake soaked with holy oil through her rib cage. She gasped and released Dean, who hit the ground with broken gasps. She staggered back, looking at the wound before she screamed and exploded in a green goo that covered both brothers.  
  
Dean didn’t wait. He crawled quickly over to Cas, wiping green slime away from his own eyes before placing his hand to Cas’s shoulder. Luckily his angel came awake almost instantly, a look of shock and confusion plastered across the man’s features.

“Dean,” Cas started slowly, as if Dean was the one who’s mental facilities needed checking, “why are you green?”  
  
Dean couldn’t help but laugh as he pulled Cas into his arms.

~~~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings From Your Author: This chapter has a quick scene that depicts semi-public sex. It also depicts canon-typical violence._


	4. Once Upon A Time In New York City - Disney's Oliver and Company

Dean sat at the end of his hotel room bed, his duffle sitting between his feet. He toweled his hair, swearing that he would be seeing green splotches all over his skin for days to come, thanks to that bitch. He smiled though, as he looked over to the table where Sam and Eileen sat, signing away at top speed, laughing at some joke that Dean wasn’t able to decipher. But he didn’t really mind, he was glad Sam seemed to be opening up with Eileen. Maybe Sam and Eileen could find what he had found in Cas. He wanted that for his brother, almost as much as he wanted to finally ask Cas to marry him. But he had to wait for an opening that didn’t seem too forced. Cas deserved better than just a casual, “Wanna get married?”, as much as Dean knew he was out of his comfort zone here. Maybe he’d call Charlie or maybe ask Jody for help. 

Dean heard a clatter, the sound of glass shattering on linoleum, causing him to whip his head toward the bathroom. Cas stepped out, his hand pressed below his nose. Dean was on his feet before he even realized he had begun to stand. Blood was pouring from Cas’s nose, running between his fingers, soaking the light blue sleeping shirt he had thrown on after their shower. Cas met Dean’s eyes, panic and pain written all over his face.  
  
“Dean, something…” Cas broke, pressing his free hand to his temple, “Something is wrong.” The words had barely left his lips when Dean saw nothing but the whites of his eyes, blue and black rolling back into Cas’s skull as his legs went out from underneath him. Dean lunged to catch Cas before his head met the floor, just barely reaching him in time.

“Sammy, call 911! Fast!” Dean held Cas to his chest, wrapping his fingers around to find the pulse in his neck. It was there, faint, but there beneath his fingers. He heard scuffling and his brother’s voice, but it all turned to mush in his brain as Cas’s body tensed in his arms. Dean watched helplessly as Cas’s head flopped back and his body began to jolt, a seizure wracking its way through the man he loved.

~~~

Sam sat in a hard plastic chair, feeling dizzy from watching his brother pace the floor of the waiting room. He wanted to help him, say anything that he could to calm Dean’s nerves, but his tongue seemed thick in his mouth, too dry and not quite the right size. Dean stopped, glancing back to the doors at the end of the hall, before returning to the dizzying pace.

“I’m sure he’s fine, Dean,” Sam tried, not feeling an ounce of conviction in his words. The look Dean shot his way told him Dean knew Sam was just trying to make him feel better. “They’d tell us if something happened.” Dean stopped his pacing, running one hand through his hair, the other gesturing wildly toward to doors.

“He should be out by now. They said he’d be out by now.” Sam flicked his eyes toward the clock, not wanting to admit that Dean was right. When they had arrived, Cas had immediately been taken into the emergency room, hospital staff ushering the brothers and Eileen into a waiting area, telling them to sit tight and they would be informed as soon as the staff knew anything. Sam had foolishly thought that those first minutes would be the worst.

A doctor had come not long after, bringing a light of hope into Dean’s eyes, a light that Sam had watched fade almost instantly. The doctor was kind and gentle, but he had informed them that Cas had suffered a subarachnoid hemorrhage, a bleed on the brain caused by a ruptured aneurysm. The doctor had assured them that Cas had a high chance of survival, that Cas was a good candidate for a much less invasive surgical option to correct the issue. Sam had focused on the doctor’s words, but his eyes had not left his brother while the doctor spoke and explained the upcoming procedure. He had watched as his brother’s face had slowly grown to look like stone, his brother’s walls that had long disappeared quickly rebuilding themselves. Dean had become so open in the past years that Sam almost didn’t recognize his brother standing before him then.  
  
Sam pulled himself back to the present, looking back to Dean’s face, noticing for the first time that night that the hours had not been easy on his brother. The stone was gone, replaced now by an unhinged wildness in Dean’s eyes. Sam knew that look, the one that Dean wore when he wanted to know where to point his gun and shoot. But they both knew there was no monster this time, just the cruelty of human life between Dean and his angel-turned-hunter.  
  
Sam wrapped his fingers into Eileen’s hand, remembering again for the first time in more than an hour that she sat quietly beside him. She had a lost look in her eyes, and he felt for her. He knew how she felt, knowing she was of no use in the situation but not knowing whether it would be easier to leave and give the boys their space. Her lip turned up just enough for Sam to notice, showing her concern for both of them in that moment in the only way she could. Sam returned the feeling by silently signing to her, _I’m glad you’re here._

Sam's head snapped left as the doors opened for the first time in what seemed like days, and he stood, worrying that he may have to restrain Dean if the doctor didn’t come bearing good news. Dean had already begun walking toward the man, and Sam used his long legs to catch up.

“Mr. Winchester,” the doctor addressed Dean, which Sam wasn’t entirely sure was the brightest idea, “your husband is in recovery.” Sam felt his heart leap, not having realized how afraid he had been that they would be hearing an apology. He also winced as he realized that this would be the first memory Dean would have of Cas being referred to as his husband. After learning last night that Dean intended to marry Cas, Sam had thought the word would bring his brother more joy when it was finally said. But they had needed to fake paperwork to get Cas seen and to explain Dean’s complete unhinged nature, so it had been unavoidable. But he worried there would be lasting damage to Dean from the choice.

Dean found his voice, Sam’s heart breaking at the sound of tears in his brother’s throat. “Can we see him?” Sam wanted to reach out, hug his brother then and there, but Dean honestly might punch him in this state of upheaval.  
  
The doctor frowned, and Sam held his breath, waiting for what he had felt they would hear all along. “He isn’t out of the woods yet. We were able to successfully stop the bleeding, but another hemorrhage occurred. The trauma of both bleeds has placed your husband in a coma.” The doctor’s eyes were sad as he spoke, showing how much he must hate this part of his job.  
  
Sam watched as his brother froze at the words, his eyes becoming unfocused and drifting off away from the doctor’s face. “He’ll wake up though, right?” Sam hated to ask it, he couldn’t be the one to make the doctor say it, but Dean didn’t seem to be in the condition to keep going. He watched as his brother, tears in his eyes, walked slowly back down the hall. He pulled out a chair and sat, head in his hands. Sam looked back to the doctor, realizing he had been speaking ever since he had looked away, but Sam hadn’t heard any of it. “I’m sorry, what?”

Sympathy flashed in the doctor’s eyes. “He has a good chance of waking up, but the next 48 hours will be crucial. He has sustained significant injury to his brain due to the excess pressure caused by the hemorrhages.” The doctor paused, looking past Sam to where Dean sat, before lowering his voice. “While we will do everything in our hands to ensure that he does recover, after 48 hours, his chances will drop significantly.” Sam nodded, understanding what the doctor left unsaid.

Sam looked back down the hall, only half processing the sound of the doctor’s retreating footsteps on the linoleum. He watched as Eileen gently placed her hand on Dean’s shoulder, trying her best to comfort the elder Winchester in a hopeless situation. Sam felt his heart rip into even smaller pieces as he saw Dean’s shoulders lurch as he finally gave in and let himself cry. Sam wanted to sit there where Eileen was, comforting his brother, but he couldn’t get his feet to start walking. Because he couldn’t bring himself to be the one who had to tell Dean the rest of the doctor’s unsaid words. He couldn’t be to one to tell Dean that they had 48 hours left before the road went south fast. That if Cas wasn’t awake in the next two days, they might still be burying a body after all.

~~~

It had taken a little over an hour, but the hospital staff had finally let Sam and Dean into Cas’s room. Sam had been advised that there could be only two visitors at a time, so he had kissed Eileen quickly before sending her on her way home. She promised to start looking for some cure, natural or otherwise, a way to fix this if Cas couldn’t pull through on his own. But, even though Sam had thanked her, he knew there was a dead end ahead of her. He and Dean had been down this road too many times to think they would find another miracle just waiting for them.

Sam looked up from the magazine in his lap to find nothing in the room had changed in the past hour since they had both taken a seat. Sam sat in the corner, keeping watch as a hunter’s life a taught him long ago to do in any situation. Dean had pulled his chair as flush against the bed as possible, wrapped his hands around Cas’s hand the best he could. Sam tried not to take in how many machines they had connected to Cas or the tube that was down Cas’s throat. He knew the doctor hadn’t outright lied to them, but the tube told Sam that Cas’s situation was much more dire than the doctor had let on.

Dean’s face was back to one of stone, his bloodshot eyes the only remaining whisper of the tears he had feverishly wiped away. Sam was at a loss, not knowing whether silence or words would help his brother in that moment. If he were to be honest with himself, he knew no one but Cas could fix this now. It was left in his hands, and Sam wasn’t all that sure the man had that kind of fight left in him.

Sam stood, making sure to be extra noisy for Dean’s benefit, who barely looked up with a questioning glance. “I need to stretch my legs. Maybe get us some coffee.” Sam explained, pulling the first excuse his brain had offered. Dean gave just the subtlest of grunts in response, which registered as a blessing in Sam’s book. He stepped out of the door without further hesitation, needing to put space between the steady beeping of the monitors and himself. He couldn’t bear sitting there in the room any longer, just waiting for a miracle. Or worse, the absence of one entirely.

The nursing staff pointed him down the hall to a small room with a coffee machine, for which he thanked them profusely. He pulled out his phone, sending a quick text over to Eileen that would tell her nothing but what she already knew. And then he paced as he began making the calls that he had been dreading since setting foot in the emergency room hours before.

~~~

Sam woke with a jolt about 6 hours later when he heard distant yelling, the firm voice of a woman berating the nursing staff down the hall. He wiped his eyes as he looked around, taking in the room once again, noting that the only change came in the form of his brother, Dean having passed out against Cas’s shoulder some time after Sam. He stood as quietly as he could, sneaking out the door without waking his brother. Even in his passed out state, Dean’s face was contorted with anxiety and worry, making Sam wonder how restful of a sleep it would be for the elder hunter.

Sam couldn’t help the smallest smile that formed across his face as he took in the sight of Jody, still in her uniform, arguing with the nurses at their station. Something about her mother-like anger warmed him for just the smallest second, even if he felt guilty at the expression as soon as it settled on his face.

“I don’t care how many people are allowed!” Jody repeated the words that had woken Sam, and he jogged over to place his hand on her shoulder. “Sam!” Jody wrapped her arms around Sam’s neck in one of her patented bearhugs, before pulling back to have a better look at him. Sam tried to convey that he wasn’t the one to worry about, but Jody definitely didn’t look convinced. “Can you believe these nurses?” Jody cast a death glare worthy of a Winchester over her shoulder at the ladies behind her. “Trying to tell me that I can’t be with my boys.”

Sam shot an apologetic look toward the nurse’s station before guiding Jody down the hall to the vending machines, giving them some much-needed privacy. “I’m glad you’re here, Jody.” Sam sat in one of the uncomfortable chairs, running his hands through his hair before feeling all the helplessness of the last 24 hours become evident on his face. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.” The words didn’t even begin to express the turmoil inside Sam at that moment, but the look of sympathy on Jody’s features said that she understood. She pulled a chair up to face Sam, resting a hand on his knee in a comforting gesture.

“No one ever does.” Jody shook her head, a humorless chuckle catching in her throat. She looked concerned as she stared him down, leaving Sam almost desperate to look away, but he fought the urge. “How is he doing?” Tears shown in her eyes. Sam inexplicably wanted to lie and comfort her in that moment, but every ounce of strength he held was being spent on keeping it together for Dean, so the words came in a blunt honest fashion.

“It’s bad this time. Really bad. I’m not…” Sam took a deep breath before voicing what he had kept hidden since Cas had first been admitted to the ER, “I’m not sure he’s going to make it.” He hung his head, feeling like he was a traitor for not believing in Cas at that moment. But he couldn’t escape the sinking feeling that they were not going to be the same once this was all over.

“Sam,” Jody’s voice pulled him back to reality, worrying him over how easily he was disconnecting, “I meant Dean. How’s he handling all of this?” Sam was surprised that Jody would even need to ask, but he thought she might just need confirmation of her fears.

“He's bad, Jody. Honestly,” Sam hated to say anything, but he found it helped to have someone to talk to, since Dean was completely shut down, “I’m not sure he’s going to make it either. We’ve lost people, that’s not new.” He ran a hand through his hair, feeling a sense of relief at being able to let this all out finally. The last 24 hours felt like a lifetime. “It’s part of the life, ya know? But Dean,” his gaze wandered back out the break room door, towards the hall that led to the two most important members of his family, “he can’t lose Cas. This’ll be the one that breaks him.” He thought back to just hours before Cas fell, and he laughed, a small chuckle that both helped and hurt him in that moment. “You won’t believe this, but Dean was going to ask Cas to marry him.” Sam looked to Jody then, and he saw in her eyes a mirror of his own delight at the idea but also sadness that it might never be. She stood then and reached out to offer Sam a hand to stand.  
  
“Come on, Sam. We should probably go check on them.” He heard the resignation in her voice, the sound of a woman who was ready to hold and comfort when nothing else could be done. He let her lead the way, not really ready himself to be back in the room again with no changes or answers there to help ease the situation.

But just a half step before the door, Jody held her hand out, signaling him to stop where he was, pulling her body back against the wall just outside Cas’s door. Years of hunting had trained him to copy her actions without question, but once they were pressed arm to arm against the wall he leaned his head down in a whisper, “What are we doing?” She instantly pressed a finger to her lips and signaled for him to take a quick look and listen to what was happening in the room. Sam felt a rush of hope, wondering if she had seen Cas awake or something had changed since he had left them alone. But that hope was quickly replaced with quickly growing familiar sensation of sorrow heavy in his chest as he craned his neck to sneak a look into the room.

Dean was awake again, tears freely falling, lips moving slowly as he sang softly to Cas. His volume wasn’t much higher than a loud whisper, but the sound was deafening after the silence. Sam pulled back, pressing against the wall, trying not to invade Dean’s privacy, but also wanting to shield himself from the pain. He couldn’t see Dean, but he could still hear the sound of his brother’s singing. They had caught him halfway through his slowed rendition. He tried to force it away by closing his eyes.

_If it's always once upon a time in New York City_

_Why does nightfall leave you feeling so alone_

“What song is that?” Jody whispered, sadness still evident in her curiosity. Sam couldn’t fault her. If he hadn’t heard the song repeatedly over that last few years, he would have not known now himself. “It’s the intro song to _Oliver and Company_.” Sam’s heart clenched, knowing she would ask more if he didn’t continue.

_So Castiel don't be scared_

_Though yesterday no one cared_

_They're getting your place prepared_

_Where you want to be_

Sam had to choke back a sob as he heard Dean replace Oliver’s name in the song. “It’s Cas’s favorite movie.” He opened his eyes to look at her, his vision completely shot from the tears he couldn’t fight. He saw that her blurred hand was now over her mouth, helping her hold back her own tears in response. Sam felt a sad chuckle come again, looking toward the ceiling, and he began to welcome any chance to not just feel empty. “He makes Dean watch that damn movie at least once a month.”

He heard a similar sound come from Jody’s chest. “I’m sure Dean just hates that.” He heard the small smile on her lips, the tears in her voice. How could something still make him smile in the midst of all of this?

“He says he does. But we know better.” He looked down to meet Jody’s eyes, forgetting for just the slightest second where they were. They spoke in unison, both in a lightly teasing tone they had used against Dean too many times, “‘Anything for my _sunshine_.’” They both smiled, and Sam allowed himself that moment of levity before he peered back into the room.

Dean had finished his lamenting lyrics, head now hung back to press against Cas’s hand, shoulders shaking violently as sobs wracked him again. Sam gave him a few more moments before faking a too loud conversation with Jody, giving Dean enough time to compose himself if he chose to. But as Sam commented, “Dean, look who came by to see us,” with too much fake nonchalance, Sam felt crushed by the fact that Dean looked up without wiping his eyes. He wasn’t trying to hide his tears like the brother he had known his whole life. He was breaking, fast, and Sam was powerless to stop it.

~~~

Jody stayed with them through the next two days, running down to the cafeteria several times to try to get food for Dean. Sam knew her efforts would be ignored, but she didn’t seem to know what else to do for them. He could empathize completely with the feeling, constantly wanting to start a conversation, anything, just to get Dean to speak. Besides quiet whispers, prayers to Cas, Dean had not spoken to anyone since the doctor had first told them Cas was comatose. He had barely even acknowledged the food and drinks that Jody had kept supplied, just taking a bite or two and a drink when they were offered. 

At the end of the first day of Jody’s stay, the feeling in the room took a turn for the worse. While their hopes had not been high, Sam knew he and Jody had still been holding the belief that Cas could wake up. He would smile, apologize for the inconvenience, and they would all go home and forget this nightmare. But when the clock continued counting forward, passing the 48-hour mark that doctors had given them, it felt like Sam couldn’t get enough air. It reminded him of sci-fi movies where the oxygen was slowly running low and you never knew exactly how long you had left until the end overtook you. 

Jody said her goodbyes, somehow looking even further defeated than when she had arrived, though Sam wasn’t sure how that was possible. She hugged him, whispering that he needed to be strong. Dean needed him. They would get through this. All the same mantras he himself had been chanting, though even she couldn’t make them sound any less hopeless than the little voice inside his head sounded.

Jody leaned down, hugging Dean, and they were both surprised when Dean actually wrapped his arms around her neck. She held him gently like a child scared in the night, her need to keep him safe shining bright in her eyes as Sam watched from the far wall. They didn’t share words, only a long embrace before she pulled away and moved to the doorway.

Sam caught her arm, gaining a questioning look, but he looked to Dean then, acting on the single moment of clarity he had seen running through his brother’s body in nearly 72 hours. “Dean, we oughta run down to the cafeteria before Jody goes.” Sam looked expectantly at his brother, hoping the man would break out of it long enough to think about food. Dean almost looked like he would ignore Sam, but then relief hit the younger brother when Dean spoke.  
  
“You won’t leave him alone?” Dean spoke in a way that it was both a question and a demand, his voice barely more than a whisper from lack of use. Jody seemed to understand his need and she gave him a soft smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

“No, Dean. I’ll be here.” Dean nodded and stood, following Sam out of the room and down the hall. They walked in silence down to the cafeteria, and Sam almost wished they had a longer hallway to take. Sam wasn’t looking forward to the talk they needed to have. He glanced at his brother, who for once didn’t immediately start loading up a tray of food. Sam wondered whether this was just the beginning of the end for Dean.

“Dean, we need to talk. Food first, or-” Sam sorta paused, giving Dean the option of choosing the prolonged suffering. But Dean answered quickly, surprising Sam by the regained clarity in his voice. Sam felt his chest tighten, wondering how much longer his brother could hold on.

“Spill it. I’m not hungry.” Dean almost sounded disconnected, but Sam knew better. It was his brother’s coping mechanism for everything happening around them. He almost asked why Dean had followed him down here at all, but he knew not to push his luck.

“We need to talk about what’s going on. Our options.” Sam was doing his best to not come out directly and say it, but he knew Dean was going to make him by the look in his eye.  
  
“There are no options, Sam. We have one: we wait for Cas to wake up.” Dean started to turn away, obviously already done with their way too brief talk. Sam knew they had to do this though, so he spoke as he reached forward to grab Dean by the arm, trying to stop his brother from running away from him too.  
  
“Dean, the doctors said 48 hours-” Sam broke off as a fist collided with his jaw. Dean’s fist, to be exact. He staggered back, stumbling to catch his balance against a table. They were lucky they were nearly alone in the cafeteria, a lone nurse now watching to assess the situation.  
  
“Don’t you even _dare_ say what I think you mean.” Dean hissed as he took a ragged breath. Sam watch the agony play across his brother’s features. He wanted to console him, but he knew nothing but Cas would do it now. “You may have given up, but I haven’t.”

Sam stayed against the table as he held back the sob he felt in his chest. “Dean, I haven’t-”

Dean cut him off again. “Whatever, Sam. I ain’t giving up on him.” Unshed tears lined Dean’s eyes, and now Sam wondered if they were from anger or sadness. “So, you can stay or go. But I’ll be in his room.” He started to turn away before surprising Sam by turning back. “And if you try to talk options again, Sam, I’ll kill ya.”

There was no question in Sam’s mind that Dean meant it, too, and he leaned against the table rubbing his jaw, massaging the one ache he could actually deal with at the moment.

~~~

There was no change in Cas’s condition during the four months that followed the cafeteria incident.

Sam kept his brother fed, and tried to keep his spirits up any way that he could. Which he had to admit was hard to do when Dean had stopped speaking to him directly. He had to give it to the man, Dean could hold a grudge when he wanted to. Ever since he tried to address the possibility that they needed to plan for all outcomes, Dean had chosen to ignore Sam’s presence whenever possible. He would eat and drink what was offered, but only spoke to Cas.  
  
Sam noticed when Dean was feeling particularly down because he was quietest then. He would just pull the chair as close to the bed as possible, not talking much, just never leaving Cas’s side. Some days were better though, and Dean would read the paper that the staff had begun leaving them, finding anything that looked even remotely suspicious and describing the cases they would all go on when Cas woke up.

Sam would sometimes give them privacy by sitting outside the room, knowing full well that he also needed the space. He was running low on hope and he just couldn’t keep living through Dean’s blind devotion. Sometimes he would read while he waited for the change that never came, sometimes he would video chat with Eileen. He wanted to keep her involved in the whole process, but it was hard enough not knowing where he fit into the puzzle.

As he had predicted though, Eileen and all others had come up dry in their search for a cure. He felt grateful for the support they offered, but he knew it was stupid to try and wish for something that was so far out of their reach. Change was becoming a fleeting dream that Sam had stopped believing in long ago.

Until one day, change did come. Only it wasn’t good. 

Dean was in the middle of reading the paper again when Sam, his head in a book, caught the sound of Cas’s monitors beeping. The sound was a new one, almost hidden in all the other normal sounds of the hospital around them. But Sam then saw the flash of a light that hadn’t been lit up before, and a nurse ran in, then a second, then a doctor. Sam watched as his brother was pushed aside and for the first time in those long four months, Dean came to Sam’s side of the room to stand beside him. They stood shoulder to shoulder as the staff worked, and Sam felt completely lost in the bits of the talk he overheard.

Minutes flew by before the monitors began to work their way back to the sounds Sam recognized, and though he didn’t register his emotions anywhere near happy on the scale, he felt relieved that it wasn’t yet the end. The nurses shot them sympathetic looks before they left the room, leaving just Dean and the doctor with Sam. He stepped forward to address the doctor, who still seemed to have a look of concern on his features.

“What happened?” Sam was surprised how small his voice sounded, and he attempted to clear his throat. As if that would help him in all of this.

Doctor’s eyes were sad as he began to explain. “Castiel’s oxygen levels are beginning to decay, which is what set off the monitors. His brain may not be sending his lungs the correct level of impulses at this stage of his coma. Mr. Winchester,” he looked to both Sam and Dean then, but Sam knew his brother wouldn’t respond, “I understand that you both care for him. But it might be time to decide whether continuing treatment is for his benefit or your own.” The words were harsh, but the doctor’s eyes were kind, and Sam knew that he only had their best interest in mind.  
  
“I know, doc. We just-”

“How would you do it?” Sam jumped when Dean suddenly interrupted him, and he looked to his left to see Dean there beside him. Sam was surprised to see how clear Dean’s eyes looked after seeing him such a haze for that past months, but he guessed he shouldn’t be. Dean had been a hunter since he was four; it had just taken him a few months to find it in himself again.

“How?” The doctor repeated Dean’s question with a bit of confusion on his features.

Sam watched as Dean squared his shoulders and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Sam had to keep himself together, right now he needed to watch over Dean as he finally faced reality. “If you’re going to discuss killing my-” Dean’s facade broken just for a second, and Sam knew why. His brother couldn’t bring himself to call himself Cas's husband. That was too much for even Dean. He picked up with only the slightest hesitation. “Cas, if you’re going to discuss killing him, I think I should have a say so in the matter. And I wanna know how it would happen.”  
  
Sam watched but didn’t really hear as the doctor explained the process of taking Cas off the machines. They would make sure he was comfortable, nature would take its course, no pain. Sam kept his eyes on his brother for the whole speech, knowing enough about it already. He had begun asking around about a month ago, but he had never figured out a way to tell Dean everything. Partially due to not wanting to hurt Dean any further, but also since he wouldn’t put it past his brother to make good on his threat and shoot him dead in the hospital.

It may have been only a minute or two later when the doctor nodded gently before giving them the space they needed, but Sam really wasn’t sure of his time-keeping skills anymore. He watched as his brother went back to sit beside Cas, silent again after all the commotion. He watched as Dean took Cas’s hand in his, drawing small circles on the back of Cas’s hand with his thumb. Sam sat back down in his chair, waiting and watching.

It took Dean over an hour before he looked over and said a single word to Sam, which crushed Sam’s heart all over again. “Tomorrow.”

~~~

Tomorrow came too soon.

Sam could see it on Dean’s face as everyone began to arrive. He had taken point and passed it along to the staff that they wanted to remove life support late in the evening, giving everyone else a chance to come in to say goodbye. Sam overhead Dean telling Cas that it would be the best to wait until sundown because Dean knew that was Cas’s favorite time of day.

Eileen had been the first to arrive, so quickly in fact that Sam made a mental note to question her later about where she had been before he called her. But he left it unspoken for now, instead pulling her into an intense hug that would never be able to explain how much he needed her there. After this was all through, he definitely needed to do some soul searching about his and Eileen’s situation.

It was a few more hours before Jody arrived, this time with Claire in tow. Claire’s eyes were red ringed before she even stepped into the room. She had grown close to Cas over the last several years, finding comfort in being close to him. Sam knew she had never wanted to replace Jimmy, but he could see now how much she would be broken again by his loss.

Jody looked strong behind her and Sam pulled her to him in a hug as Claire walked to stand next to the bed. “Hey, Cas.” Claire's whisper was so low and soft that Sam almost didn’t hear it at all.

Sam watched as Dean came around to hug Jody too, giving Claire a moment somewhat alone with him. It spoke for Dean’s ability to pull it together when he finally hit bottom, that he wasn’t curled up inside a bottle somewhere.

Charlie came next, no jokes in her normal way, rather she grabbed Dean without a word. Sam silently thanked her for pulling Dean into the tightest hug he had ever witnessed his brother receive, watching as the two both shook as they held each other. Charlie was another one who would hurt alongside them, having grown incredibly close to Cas over the last two years. It was a painful moment as Sam realized just how much Cas had become a part of everyone, and how much they would all lose in just a few hours time. 

They sat around for the few hours they had left, talking in turns, telling stories about Cas. There were tears nearly constantly on tap somewhere in the room, and while Dean stayed quiet through most of it, Sam did catch a small smile or chuckle every so often. He tried not to let it give him any hope, since he knew, come sundown, his brother’s world would come to an end.

A nurse came by to give them a time update, letting them know that the staff would be ready to begin in another twenty minutes. And as if they had all planned it, Sam watched as the women all stood and left the room, each one holding onto each for support. Sam stood too, but he crossed the gap to the bed, placing his hand on Cas’s wrist.

He didn’t have words, but he knew Cas wouldn’t need them. He had told him countless times that they were family now. Cas was his brother, blood or no blood. Sam patted Cas’s hand once before walking away, feeling himself breaking down fast. He leaned against the wall just outside the door, trying to fight back his tears. But when he heard Dean begin talking, all hope he had was gone. It took everything he had to not end up on his knees then and there.

"Sunshine, it’s almost time.” Sam could hear the tears in Dean’s voice. “I want you to know that I love you, and I’m sorry I didn’t say it more when it would actually mean something.” Dean sounded like he stopped for a second to take a breath, maybe wiping at his eyes. “I want you to know I won’t be mad if you need to go, Cas.” Sam looked over his shoulder, seeing Dean holding Cas’s hand to his lips in a kiss. “I understand if you don’t have any more fight left in you. I’m not sure I do, either. But please. Please, my angel, if you can, stay with me. I can’t… I can’t do it without you anymore.”

Sam watched as Dean finally lost it altogether and laid his head against Cas’s chest. Sam watched as his brother’s shoulders shook, and he wanted nothing more than to find a way out of this. He wanted to save everyone from the inevitable. But he knew they were all lost, just waiting out the few minutes they had left.

Sam pressed his head back against the glass, not able to watch his brother cry anymore. But he couldn’t stop the sound of his brother’s voice as he started talking again. “I don’t know how much time we have left, Cas. So,” Sam heard a quick sniffle and he could imagine Dean putting on a smile, trying to be as strong as he could, “how about one last song?”

Sam didn’t want Dean to sing, he didn’t want to hear the anguish. He couldn’t hear it. So he just pressed his eyes shut harder, willing himself to not listen, knowing he had no choice.

_I think you can do much better than me_

_After all the lies that I made you believe_

_Guilt kicks in and I start to see_

_The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be_

_I told myself I won't miss you_

_But I remembered_

_What it feels like beside you_

 Sam heard Dean’s voice break then, and he knew his brother would never be the same again. He hadn’t sung a single Zeppelin song since Cas had fallen under, instead playing with Cas’s iPod during the last months, and Sam wasn’t sure he would ever listen to Zeppelin again. Instead, he was going to pick up songs Cas had liked, just like the Hinder song he now tried to get through.

_And I think you should know this_

_You deserve much better than me_

~~~

Dean tried to remember the words, one last shred of hope holding onto his heart. Maybe this was what he needed to do. Cas wasn’t dead. He could still fix this. But he could barely breathe. He couldn’t even think around the tears in his eyes. The words stopped coming and he knew then that Cas was.. Was...  
  
“Don’t do this to me, please.” The words tumbled out of his lips around his sobs, choking him for air. “Cas, I lied. I’ll hate you if you leave. Please, no.” He can’t breathe. Why wasn’t there enough air? But no matter the lack of air, his begging wouldn’t stop. “I promise I’ll tell you every day. I love you. Please, Cas, I love you. You just have to wake up. I can’t- I can’t-” His chest heaved, his head down against Cas’s chest again.

He felt a sudden urge to run. He couldn’t be here. Cas wouldn’t stop breathing if he wasn’t there to hear it. Feel it. Couldn’t happen if he wasn’t there. Why wouldn’t Cas just answer him? What had he done? Was it punishment, was it divine intervention? There was no air, why was there-

Dean froze as he found Sammy inches in front of him, hands gripping his shoulders tight enough that Dean registered that there should be pain. When had he stood, had he walked? Was there pain? Was that this feeling in his chest? He felt his heart pounding so hard, he couldn’t hear Sam anymore. What was it Sammy said? Not important. Can’t be here. Can’t breathe.

Dean focused just a tiny bit as Sam shook him harshly. He was standing in the doorway. Almost gone. Almost outside. Air. More outside. “Sammy, let go.” Dean was scared, he sounded so calm. How could he be calm? There was no air. Like underwater, only too bright. Too white. And soon no sunshine. His sunshine. His Cas. _Cas._

Dean tried to push away, if only he could get away, but Sam held him tight. “You have to be here. Cas needs you here, Dean.” Dean felt sick. He wished he could throw up the pain and make it leave. He shook his head, trying to deny Sam’s words. Cas couldn’t need him, Cas was- no, his brain couldn’t think it. It wouldn’t be real if he didn’t think it.

“Need air. Can’t be here.” Dean felt his chest tighten again. His knees hurt too. Pain again. Why? They were on their knees, had they fallen? He realized he was still mumbling over and over again. He heard sobs and Cas’s name in his ears but somehow also far away. Was he suffocating? Was that why he couldn’t find the air? But words were gone again. Just like the air. Where was the air?

Dean folded into his brother’s chest, sobbing, gasping, aching and crying for it to stop. Feeling himself fall apart as his world was slowly unplugged, one tube at a time.  
~~~

Sam held his brother, feeling smaller than he ever knew possible. He wanted to find the words, but he knew they didn’t exist. He wanted a spell, a miracle, something to save both the brothers he was watching fade away, just like the setting sun beyond the window. Pulling himself just an inch away from where he had fallen to the ground with Dean, Sam focused on the work the staff around the room were setting out to accomplish. They were nearly done now, stepping quickly and efficiently, silent as they gave nature it’s chance. Their final act was to remove the breathing tube from Cas’s throat, letting him take in his last tastes of the air around them.  
  
The silence was deafening as the staff cleared out, the machines now silenced to keep the alarms from sounding. Sam wanted the beeping back, anything that could break the silence and sounds of Dean’s heartache. He held his brother, tight like it would keep the pieces together as they both fell apart, watching the numbers on the screen.

Waiting for the moment that would never come.  
~~~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warning From Your Lovely Neighborhood Author_ \- 
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> This chapter has depictions of a seizure, brain injury and surgery (not described into detail), coma, and discussions of whether to discontinue life support for the individual in the coma. Serious depictions of grief as well, which I believe to be pretty decently realistic, at least I hope.
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> This chapter is also a big one for a debate over whether this chapter needed a specific tag. 
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> **IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SPOIL THIS CHAPTER OR THE NEXT, DO NOT READ FURTHER! I REPEAT FROM BEFORE - THIS FIC ENDS HAPPY!**  
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> **I REPEAT --- SERIOUS SPOILER AHEAD!!!**  
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> Alrighty then. For those who need the spoiler ---- Cas does not die. He will live, so rest assured that I'm definitely not lying. All is happy and wonderful in the next chapter.


	5. Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin

Dean sat behind Baby’s wheel looking into the rearview mirror, fixing his tie again for the sixth time. Somehow, even though the man had never figured out how to wear his own properly, Cas had been tying Dean’s ties for the few last years and it just never came out the same way when Dean tried to do it himself anymore. Charlie put her hand on his wrist, effectively stopping his movements. She wore a smirk that told him what she was about to say. “Stop fidgeting. I know.” 

Charlie’s smirk softened into a gentle smile. “You look great.” He was glad she was here with him, knowing he might have not made it all the way out here without her. Even though she was the biggest goofball he knew, she somehow knew how to ground him when he needed it. Like right now. Sam had gone on ahead, needing to get Cas ready for everything.

Dean sighed, taking a calming breath as he put his hand on the door handle. “No chance in running now, might as well get headed out there.” He stepped out of Baby, closing the door as he took another breath to steady himself further. He could do this. He wanted to do this, he knew that. But years of practice made it hard to shake the feeling that his life would never be the same. Sammy needed another good smack to the head for his comment about the woods being beautiful for a ‘hunter’s funeral’. The comment had seemed light at the time, but now it just ominous and foreboding.

The trees were thick around the trail Dean and Charlie headed down, hiding the clearing to come. But he heard the voices of his family, blood and otherwise, just up the way. He paused just before they came into view, smoothing his new suit jacket down one more time. He counted to ten, wishing he had taken a shot of whiskey from the flask in Baby’s glove compartment. But this was one day he needed to be sober as a goat. He smiled as he realized Cas’s incorrect idioms had finally taken over in his brain. Just like every other aspect of his existence had been touched and changed forever by the man.

Looking over to Charlie’s questioning gaze, he nodded once and broke the line of trees. Everyone who meant anything to him was there. A handful of hunters from across his years, some from back before his dad had passed away. Eileen and Sam stood near the back, his brother looking ready to lead the ceremony. Linda Tran wore a gentle smile, standing a few feet from Garth and his wife. Jody with her girls, Claire and Alex. Donatello was even chatting up Donna Hanscum. But of course, none of this even registered in Dean’s mind. Every molecule of his being honed in on Cas.

His heart stopped for just a second before it began pounding so hard he almost lost his nerve. Cas was breathtaking in his suit, which featured a long black jacket that subtly reminded Dean of Cas’s old trenchcoat, making him crazy in more than one way. This one, however, was fitted just the right way, giving Dean a look at all the right places of his still slim-but-muscular build. His vest and slacks matched with Dean’s perfectly, midnight black with a white dress shirt underneath. Their only other difference being their choice in tie colors, Dean sporting a blue to match his angel’s eyes, while Cas had apparently chosen similarly with a light emerald one.

It was about the time Cas started walking forward that Dean realized he still stood frozen at the edge of the clearing. Dean hid his wince he saw the prominent limp in Cas’s left leg, the only remaining reminder of how close he had been to losing him. He silently shot a thanks out again to whoever was listening, eternally grateful to whatever had brought his Cas back to him.

The doctor’s had been unable to explain it, but as Dean had sat on the cold hospital floor six months before, waiting for Sam to tell him it was all over, he had instead heard the voice behind him that he couldn’t comprehend. It had spoken only a single syllable, a gasping sound like someone who was lost in the dark.

_“Dean.”_

Like lightning had shot through his veins, Dean had been back by his side, holding his hand, waiting out those last agonizing minutes until Cas finally opened his eyes. Sam had run for the doctors, who only could explain the act by saying that perhaps taking him off oxygen had been what done it, forcing his body to fight back. But Dean had heard the uncertainty there. All he knew was that he wouldn’t waste the chance he’d been given. Never again would he let worry and fear stop him from living the life he wanted for the two of them.

Which was how they came to be here, surrounded by family, in the middle of the woods in Kansas, about to be married. Cas was smiling wide, though Dean could see the concern in his eyes as he placed a hand on his on Dean’s arm.

“Cold feet, Honeybee?” He knew Cas was trying to sound teasing, but there was a nervousness there too. Dean shook his head, freeing himself from memories of his nightmare, wrapping his arm around Cas’s waist, pulling him in close.

“Never. Just lost myself for a second.” He dipped his head to capture Cas’s lips, forgetting entirely where they were. Until, that is, he heard Sam’s voice calling across the clearing.  
  
“That’s supposed to come at the end of the ceremony!” Dean pulled away with a blush, seeing Cas’s eyes twinkle with humor. Their family laughed around them, and Dean felt whatever nervousness he still held flee him. Keeping his arm around Cas’s waist, he led them back up to where Sam stood, book in hand, ready to lead them in the ceremony. Thank Chuck for online ordinations.

Speak of the devil, they say, though. Suddenly Chuck popped in behind Sam, a sly grin on his lips. Dean felt his jaw go slightly slack, Cas’s expression mirroring his own. If he looked around in that moment, he would guess that everyone else was sharing it, too. It wasn’t every day that God himself popped in on you, especially when the world was apocalypse-free.

“You didn’t think I’d let my favorite hunters get married without me, did you?” Chuck let out a small laugh, gesturing for Sam to take his place off by Cas, as the giant was also Cas’s man of honor. “You two are my favorite creations, and you completely embody everything I adore about humanity.” Chuck waved his hand slightly and Dean had to look out to his family, hearing small gasps ring out. Their little crowd had at least doubled by his rough and quick estimation. Everyone they had ever lost, including his mother and father, stood out there now, each and every one of them smiling widely at him.  
  
Dean flipped his shocked look back to Chuck, who just shrugged and said, “I’m God, remember. Just think of it as a wedding gift. But like Cinderella, the party stops at midnight.” Dean nodded, feeling almost numb, completely dumbfounded by the turn of events. And there he’d been, thinking that getting married would be the wildest thing to happen to him today. What had he been thinking? His name was Dean Winchester, after all.  
  
Chuck cleared his throat, silencing any other wandering thoughts Dean had, and all the whispers that had begun when all the dead people had popped in. “Ready to get the show on the road, guys?” He didn’t wait for Cas or Dean to answer, just kept talking as if they had given him the go ahead. 

“Love can be the damnedest thing humanity has ever done.” Chuck’s voice carried across the silence of the clearing easily, the power and certainty in it helping to steady any of the last remnants of nervousness that Dean possessed. “It can make a man crazy with jealousy, bring him to his knees when it’s gone. Or in cases like the one in front of me, bring a man back from the brink of death, powered by his need to be with the one he was made to stand beside in a lifetime of trials and joy. Love is the most powerful gift I gave to you, and I am overjoyed when I see that you finally chose to see it in each other.” The smile in Chuck’s eyes verified the truth behind his words, and Dean felt his own heart swell.

“But weddings are one of the weirdest things humanity ever dreamt up.” Chuck shook his head in the way one might regard the actions of a silly child who knew very little of the world around them. “Because with or without a wedding, you would still have each other. Today is not the thing that will keep you two together. It isn’t some paper that you can hang on the wall, proclaiming to all that you have promised yourself to one another. It is your love that will keep each other grounded, keep you from falling to pieces, keep you sane when the world seems impossible to live through.” Chuck paused then and Dean made the conscious effort to look back to Cas, his eyes growing damp already from the truth Dean felt that was mirrored by what Chuck spoke aloud.  
  
“Dean, Castiel was lost to you the moment he held you in hell. Every moment between that one and here has been a path of his choices centered around his love for you.” Dean wished he could have only seen it sooner in their path together, but again, he wouldn’t change their story even one tiny bit. “Somehow, even after finding out about all of your strange quirks, he still thinks that you’re funny and doesn’t mind that you blare Zepplin every time you get in the Impala.” Dean couldn’t help grinning as he heard their family let out small chuckles. Cas had the most brilliant smile on his features, his eyes glistening with unshed tears of joy. “No matter how much you hate yourself some days, my son will always be there to remind you that you are not worthless. You have value with him, and in him, you see a better version of yourself. Never let that go.” Dean nodded flicking his eyes to Chuck, wishing he could express just how grateful he was that this one special angel had somehow rebelled all those years ago, _just for him._

Chuck’s attention shifted then to his soon-to-be husband, and Dean tried his hardest to pay attention. If only Cas didn’t look so damn sexy in that coat, and so cute at the same time, a look of serious concentration making its way across his features. “Castiel, even crazier than all that is the fact that Dean thinks your inability to remember simple idioms is adorable, and not the least bit annoying, so I’d say you’ve found a keeper.” Dean couldn’t contain the chuckle that rippled through his chest, gaining a smile from Cas in return. “He is the rock that keeps you from doubting whether you are strong enough to make it in this world without wings to power your flight.” Dean wanted to speak up, to tell Cas once again how strong he really was, but he knew Cas knew his thoughts on the subject. “He has taught you about everything that it means to be human, shown you what true passion and desire can feel like, even when the world has threatened to crumble around you both. And he has given you the peace you could never find among your brothers in heaven because he is the piece of the pie that was forever just out of your grasp.” Dean watched as Cas lost the battle and his tears dripped down his cheeks, his smile wide as he stared back at Dean.  
  
“If ever I have seen two people more in love, I can’t remember them now. So, in that feeling, now is the time to make your promises to one another, to share what this life you will lead will become.” Chuck paused again, letting them both have a moment to compose themselves.

Dean took a breath to steady himself, “Cas, I used to hate that I was brought up in this life. I used to curse my father for the choices he made,” Dean would later regret forgetting that his father was now standing in the congregation, getting thrown under the proverbial bus, but he would also be glad that honesty was how he chose to begin his marriage, “but standing here, looking into your eyes, I can’t be angry anymore. I never would have found you if I hadn’t lived the life I have. Never would have finally realized the gift I had standing right in front of me, the love I felt and could be given. Even if it took us a hell of a long time to get here,” they both laughed at that and Dean felt Cas reach forward to hold his hand, “I wouldn’t change a second of it for the world. And while I know our future will be as uncertain as our past, I can promise you that you will always have me to fight by your side. Hand in hand, we will take whatever comes our way. I love you, more than you will ever be able to know.” Tears threatened his vision, but he clenched his jaw to fight them away. Never again would he go a day without telling Cas in words, not just actions, just how much he loved him.  
  
Dean smiled as he saw new tears in Cas’s eyes, having to blink hard to keep his own from falling. Cas’s voice trembled as he returned Dean’s promise, “Dean, I never thought that I would be given a gift like you. I was created to be a warrior, an angel of the Lord sent to retrieve the righteous man.” Dean felt Cas’s hand tighten around his at the memory of their first day together, so different from where they were today. “But the moment I saw who you were, the way you protected those you loved, I wanted that, too. I never knew the power that could come from loving someone else, the strength it could fill me with in times of despair, until the night we gave in to our instincts.” Dean couldn’t even fault Cas for including a reference to their sex life into his vows. It was just his angel, just the way he liked him. “Since then, I have thanked my father every morning, and have felt blessed to have you beside me. As long as I live on this earth, heaven will pale in comparison to the contentment I find when wrapped in your arms. I love you, Dean Winchester, from heaven to hell and back again.”

Dean wasn’t fighting his tears anymore, his hands itching to either pull Cas into him or at least wipe at his damned cheeks. Chuck started back up again, though Dean barely heard what he said, losing himself again in the color of Cas’s eyes. Seeing all of their future laid out before him. “Your vows have been heard by everyone important to you two, and now I want to give both something to mark your words.” Dean looked to Chuck as he pulled two small silver bands out of his pocket, handing one to each of them.

“There are no other rings like them on this earth, just as there is no other love like the one you two share. They are made of the same metal that I cast the angel blades from eons ago. I thought it appropriate that they symbolize the bond you two share.” Chuck nodded to Dean, who looked back to Cas, taking his hand back in order to take the band from Chuck. “Dean, that ring will symbolize to all who see it your undying love and devotion to Castiel. If that is your intent, please slide the ring onto Castiel’s finger and repeat after me.”  
  
Dean slid the ring onto Cas’s finger, not surprised that it fit like it was made to be there. Dean repeated the words as Chuck spoke the final promises they would share before everyone they loved. “Castiel, with this ring, I promise to stand beside you, your equal, your lover, and your friend, in everything that life has left to throw at us. I may not always say the right words, but when the sun goes down each night, know that you will never be alone. You are my reason for waking up in the morning, and I will strive every day to return to you the happiness you have given me.” The hunter tried to make a mental note to thank Chuck later, he couldn’t have said it any better.

Dean stood silent as Chuck and Cas repeated the process, feeling complete as his ring was slid into place on his finger. He stared into Cas’s eyes again, smiling as he let himself be overcome by the reality of where they were. He still had trouble wrapping his head around it all, but he was certain about one thing: for once in his life, he was completely and utterly free.

“You two have the world at your fingertips. You may encounter dangers and troubles unlike anything from your past, but together, nothing can stop you. As long as you have each other in this world, there can be nothing powerful enough to break the bonds of love that have been forged both here today and since the fires of hell itself united the two of you.” Chuck stepped back from them, spreading his arms wide. “So, therefore, it is my honor to declare you married in the eyes of everyone here today as witnesses to your love.” Chuck paused, but Dean just kept grinning like a madman. It was so overwhelming that he felt like his mind was stuck in some sort of happy pudding. Chuck let out a laugh, pulling Dean back to reality, and he added. “That’s your cue to kiss him, Dean.”

Dean didn’t need to be told twice.

~~~

Cas still couldn’t wrap his head around it all. The last few hours were a blur, a happy but fast stream of pictures in his mind. They had spent a good thirty seconds lip-locked when Chuck had given the go-ahead, both breaking apart with laughter when Sam called out to tell them he’d need a dose of eye bleach if they kept going. Cas had again witnessed a blush creep across Dean’s cheeks when he had implied Sam would need to stay away from the bunker for a while if he knew what was good for him.  
  
The reception was dying down now, everyone having been zapped back instantly into the bunker’s war room, which was now covered in beautiful decorations. Music still played loudly, Charlie and Sam were dancing in the middle of the room, just a tad over the line into drunk. Dean sat off to the side, chatting quietly with his mother and father. Cas smiled softly at the sight. They were the last two left around from Chuck’s gift, midnight having come just a little while ago.

Cas couldn’t believe how the night had flown by. Their first dance had been just over the line into magical, their feet having swayed lightly in time to Zep's "Thank You". For that moment in the night, everyone around them had ceased to exist, all that had been left in his world had been Dean. The green eyes he couldn't get enough of were shining as they danced, shimmering with a love that Cas still couldn't decide if he deserved.

The music slipped into faster songs soon thereafter, a mixture of both their favorite songs woven together in a perfect lyrical display of their love for one another. Cas had found himself and Dean soon being passed around by the women of their family, each one demanding to dance and laugh with them and congratulate them on finally getting their heads out of their asses. Claire promised to spend more time in the bunker with them, while Jody loudly warned them both that she had guns if they hurt one another, the not so empty threat bringing smiles to both their faces.

Dean near constantly stood by his side (when he wasn't being manhandled) during the remainder of the party, reintroducing him to every person he could, a look a pride on his face that stole Cas’s breath when he looked at it for too long. He would never get tired of seeing Dean this happy. He hadn’t yet had a chance in all the crazy happiness around him to speak with his new in-laws, but Dean seemed eager to remedy that.

“Cas, these are my parents, John and-” Happy laughter broke itself from between Cas’s lips as he felt himself enveloped in Mary’s arms, her actions silencing Dean. His husband wore a shocked but happy look at his mother’s actions.

“It’s been so long, Castiel!” It was his turn to blush as Dean shot him a questioning look at Mary’s words.

“You’ve met them? When did you..?” Lost was the only way Cas could describe the way Dean looked right then, especially when John laughed lightly at the interaction. Cas had to take pity on his love.  
  
“Not long after I raised you from the pit, I began to become connected to your prayers.” Dean nodded, already knowing this part of their story. “That included any prayers that were regarding you as well.” Confusion flashed across Dean’s features. “Souls in heaven are still able to pray, and I found that your mother and father did so frequently.” Understanding flashed through Dean’s eyes, which were quickly filled with tears.

“You two prayed about me? Even in heaven?” Dean looked between his parents, showing just how much it meant to him that even in paradise, his parents had still been watching out for him.

It was John who answered Dean. “Of course we did. We are your parents, after all.” His statement was soft, and he knew Dean and John had come a long way in just the last few hours.

“I visited them often with stories of you, updating them on your life. Until I lost my wings, that is.” There was almost a feeling of guilt in his chest at his actions, but he didn’t let himself linger there. He had only kept it to himself to save Dean the pain of unwanted memories. But the look on his husband’s face told him that his fears had been unwarranted. He sighed as Dean pulled him into a passionate kiss, all but forgetting their family for a moment.

As they pulled away from one another, Cas guessed his father was being a little loose with the terms and conditions, knowing it wouldn’t be easy for Dean to let his parents go. But the clock on the wall was now reading well past midnight, and they all knew what that meant for the party. Chuck approached them all just then, and the look on Dean’s face told him that it was indeed time to say goodbye. Cas watched as Dean hugged both his parents, holding on as long as he could, before passing them over to Sam, who had joined them for farewells.

His in-laws laughed about something together, before pulling Cas into one final hug. They both whispered a quick word of thank you as they held him. His heart swelled as he squeezed them back, wishing they didn’t have to go. But John and Mary joined hands as they pulled away, nodding at Chuck in a signal to send them on their way. They disappeared as quickly as they had come, and he saw the sadness that Dean held in his eyes.

Cas stepped into his husband’s arms, feeling the urge to comfort him. Dean wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling them back into a pair of chairs, a look of exhausted happiness on his features, his forehead coming down to rest on Cas’s shoulder.

“Are you ok?” Cas couldn’t help the worry in his voice, wanting to remove any ache his parents’ departure had left in him.

Dean pulled his head up with a tired smile. “It’s just been a long day.” Dean paused, leaning in to kiss Cas slow and deep. Cas would never get tired of that man, no matter how long he lived on the earth. The smile was wider when Dean pulled back. “A good day, for sure, but long.”  
  
Cas couldn’t help teasing his husband. “Just good? I guess I’ll have to rethink this marriage if it was just _good_ .” Dean playfully smacked his thigh.  
  
“Great day, you wonderful man.” A devilish look flashed across Dean’s eyes. “Though I have some ideas that could make it even better.”

Cas grinned, feeling his pulse quicken at the suggestion. “Really now, Mr. Winchester. What did you have in mind?” Cas raised an eyebrow, waiting to see just what Dean was willing to lay down on the table. Dean smirked, looking like he was about to detail out just what he wanted to do to Cas, but they both paused as they heard the sound of a throat being cleared.  
  
Cas looked up to see Chuck still standing before them, having been forgotten in their teasing. Sam had disappeared back into the group of their remaining family members, somewhere across the bunker. “Hope I’m not interrupting anything too critical.” Dean looked like he wanted to say he was, but thought better of it. “I would like to get going, got tons of God stuff to do,” Cas didn’t even try to make sense of what that could possibly mean, “but I have one last gift for you two.” He held out his hand, revealing what Cas saw to be a small vial.

A vial of angel grace. _His grace._  
  
Chuck seemed to wait for him to take it, and Dean even nudged him lightly, but he didn’t move. He just stared at what was being offered, his mind reeling at the possibilities. The safety and security that grace could offer them. Hell, even just a fully functioning leg would be nice. But suddenly, he knew his answer to the unspoken question. He didn’t even need to think twice.  
  
“Keep it.” Dean made a noise somewhere between a gasp and a scoff, whereas Chuck didn’t seem the least bit surprised, a soft and knowing smile on his lips.

“Cas, take it,” Dean looked like he thought he had lost his mind, but Cas was completely sure of his decision. There was no doubt in his heart that this was the correct choice.  
  
“No, Dean.” Cas took a moment to study his husband’s face, never having been so sure of a choice in his life. “If I take that, I will be an angel again.” Dean opened his more to respond, but Cas placed his hand on Dean’s cheek and he kept going. “I know it would make this life with you easier. You would feel safer knowing that I had angel grace to protect us. I would find comfort in knowing that I could keep you safe. But one day, hopefully far into our future, you will die. And I cannot take this gift knowing that I would live on for eons without you. I choose you over eternity.”

Cas watched as Dean’s eyes welled up with tears, and smiled as the man pulled him in for another kiss. He knew his choice was not the one that Dean would like, and he even would bet on it that he might come to regret it later. But for now, Dean Winchester was all he would ever need.

When they broke to catch a moment of air, Cas realized Chuck had decided to take that moment to disappear. He watched as Dean looked around, taking in the rest of their mismatched family. Cas was blissfully happy there in the bunker, the laughter of his loved ones carrying over the music. Not even the growing ache he felt in his body after such a long day could bring him down right now.  
  
He looked back to Dean, who had that devilish grin back on his lips. “Wanna ditch these guys and see how good we can make the rest of our night?” _Suggestion_ didn’t even begin to cover Dean’s words; they were a flat out challenge that Cas was determined to fulfill for the rest of the night. He smiled, already on his feet with the ache in his leg long forgotten, and pulled Dean with him toward their bedroom.

The ideas that he had for Dean were downright sinful, house guests and party completely disregarded in his need. He was about to show Dean just how much he loved him. Show him just what it meant to love each other until it hurt.

And oh, did it hurt so good.

 

_Fin_


	6. Author's Final Notes and Thank Yous

Final thoughts:

  
Writing this story has been a whirlwind of crazy. This is my first finished fic, as well as my first Bang as an author. It all started when I first saw the piece and my brain wouldn't stop trying to write the story, no matter the fact that I hadn't even participated in claims yet! Good thing I got the piece I wanted, huh? It's a rush to have finally been able to finish something, but it also almost makes me sad to see it all go. I may have to write some scenes that I didn't choose to write for this, either due to time or because I thought the story arc didn't fit well with them. Maybe I will, who knows.

_Now onto the much needed Thank Yous._

I want to thank my artist, [AnyRei](https://anyreiart.tumblr.com/), for their wonderful art. This whole process and story would never have happened without their first piece. AnyRei was so incredibly supportive of every choice I made for this story and I can express how thankful I am for the artist I picked. I would say I have no words, but you all just read 30k that proves otherwise!

Next, I want to say thank you to all my Betas. They not only were there for me to help with grammar and spelling, but they were also some of my biggest cheerleaders. History, Umbrie, Deancebra, and anyone who just helped me bounce small ideas around, you people are the real Angels. For real, you people got me through this.

Finally, thank you to the mods for the Dean Cas Reverse Bang 2019 mods. They have been so helpful, and none of this would have happened without them!

 

Wait! I lied! Finally ---

 

Thank you to everyone who read all the way to this point! You guys stuck it out, and I have to know: 

 

What did you think? Even if you hated me by the end, leave me a comment so I know how to improve! Love you all!


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